Lars And The Real Girl (2007)
The Love Story: Shy and retiring Lars has all but given up on finding a soulmate until Bianca enters his life. Before long, he is very much in love. Awwwww.
The Weird: Oh, didn’t we mention? Bianca is a sex doll. Not so cute now, is it?
Better Match: Thankfully, Lars eventually graduates to spending his time with a real woman in the shape of Kelli Garner. As for Bianca…maybe she and Chuckie could have a thing? Then again, maybe not.
Pretty Woman (1990)
The Love Story: It’s that age-old story of man-meets-prostitute, as Richard Gere and Julia Roberts discover a love that transcends social status and (eventually) financial transaction.
The Weird: Let’s see…he’s not only a man who pays for sex, but a man whose idea of romance is to take advantage of someone less fortunate than himself and brainwash her into conforming to his idea of female perfection. Nice.
Better Match: She’d be much better off with that nice Clarence Worley. Now there’s a man who knows how to treat a hooker.
The Muppet Movie (1979)
The Love Story: One of Hollywood’s most famous odd-couples, Miss Piggy and Kermit were simply made for each other.
The Weird: She’s so bossy, whereas he seems like such a laidback kind of guy. It’s a strange one, because he could pretty much have his pick, and she’s so high maintenance. Oh, and then there’s the fact that he’s a frog and she’s a pig! Ewww.
Better Match: Porky Pig would show Miss Piggy a good time. They don’t call him “Porky” for nothing you know…
The Love Story: Less a romance and more an ongoing competition to see who can out-sulk the other, Edward and Bella’s off-on relationship is the beating heart of the Twilight Saga .
The Weird: Bella is seventeen. Edward is 108. Do you need us to draw you a picture?
Better Match: Don’t worry, there’s someone else on the agenda anyway. He’s a werewolf? Oh for God’s sake…
The Love Story: Human Jake and Na’avi Neytiri fall for each other when the former invades the latter’s homeworld with a view to harvesting its natural resources. Not the most promising of starts to a relationship, but Jake soon sees the error of his ways and decides to joing Neytiri’s people for keeps. Aaaah.
The Weird: He has to change species in order to make things work. Most blokes would balk at changing their haircut.
Better Match: Pocahontas is basically the exact same person as Neytiri, and she’s human to boot!
The Love Story: Sam and Molly may have been parted by death, but that’s not going to stop their romance from flourishing across the veil. They have pots to make, dammit!
The Weird: Taking aside the notion that spirits remain sexually active beyond the grave, Sam pesters Molly like a ghostly stalker! It’s over mate. Let it go.
Better Match: He and the Corpse Bride can head off to the hereafter together leaving poor Molly in peace!
Howard The Duck (1986)
The Love Story: Howard is a lost soul in a strange new land. Fortunately he can count on the lovely Beverly to help him find his feet…
The Weird: Howard is a giant, alien duck who makes lascivious comments every time his nubile young friend gives him the opportunity. Seriously, this is all kinds of wrong.
Better Match: There’s a distinct shortage of man-sized ducks down here on planet Earth so Howard might struggle. Daisy Duck is the best we can come up with. Donald might have something to say about that, mind…
Bride Of Chucky (1998)
The Love Story: Chucky is so in love with his human girlfriend that he slits her throat and transfers her soul into the body of a doll, just so they can be together. What a charmer!
The Weird: When somebody threatens to kill you because they “love you too much”, that’s about the time when you should start running.
Better Match: Chucky should hook-up with the possessed sex doll in bargain-basement horror Blown . They’d have a right old laugh together.
The Time Traveller's Wife (2009)
The Love Story: Gorgeous everywoman Claire Abshire finds her life turned upside down when she falls in love with dashing time traveller Henry DeTamble.
The Weird: We’ve mentioned this before, but it bears repeating. What’s weird about this is that Henry visits Claire as a little girl, in a slightly creepy cross between paternal love and something more romantic. Not only does he appear before her with his kit off, he even shags her when she’s a teenager. Something of a grey area there old chap…
Better Match: If she’s after a time traveller, she should look up Marty McFly. He’s never been involved with anything weird! Except for that business with his mother…
Shrek 2 (2004)
The Love Story: Nope, we’re not talking about the ogre love-fest between Shrek and Fiona…we’re referring to the union between Donkey and the massive purple dragon.
The Weird: Not only does Dragon take a shine to Donkey, the pair evidently have sex, as proven by the brood of “dronkeys” that turn up at the end of the film. Bleurgh.
Better Match: Dragon would be far happier with Toothless, who handily, is a dragon himself.
The Love Story: Goldie Hawn, suffering from acute amnesia is buoyed by the arrival of Kurt Russell’s kindly handyman into her life.
The Weird: We haven’t really given you the whole story there. Because what actually happens is that Kurt cons Goldie into believing the pair are married, and takes her home to live with him. Just to clarify, Kurt Russell is the hero in the movie…
Better Match: She should shack up with the equally sweet and trusting Forrest Gump, whilst he should be banged up for many a year.
The Love Story: Lois and Clark are co-workers. After spending hour upon hour together they fall in love. Happens every day…
The Weird: Clark is actually an all-powerful alien, who sneaks about fighting crime behind Lois’s back. Even when he does eventually tell her the truth, he minimises the damage by wiping their whole affair from her memory!
Better Match: Wonder Woman would be a far better match. Then again, Clark is quite conservative and she does dress like a bit of a tart…
The Love Story: Peter O’Toole plays game old geezer Maurice, an older gentleman who finds himself enjoying a new lease of life when he meets his best mate’s young niece Jessie.
The Weird: We should mention that Maurice is eighty, making him old enough to be Jessie’s granddad and then some. Moreover she allows him a bit of a perve in order to get what she wants. It all turns out to be very heartwarming come the end credits but it’s plenty weird along the way.
Better Match: Maurice should look up Ann Reid’s character from The Mother . The two could discuss their appreciation of the younger physical form…
Harold & Maude (1971)
The Love Story: An age-defying May-December relationship between a disillusioned young man and a rebellious old woman. Proof that love knows know bounds.
The Weird: He’s barely out of short trousers and she’s seventy nine. We’re as liberal as the next film magazine but seriously…it’s a tad icky.
Better Match: Hang on, maybe Maude and Maurice should get together. She’ll have to shift Ann Reid now though…
The Little Mermaid (1989)
The Love Story: Ariel, the titular mermaid, longs to be human, not least because she has fallen madley in love with dashing Prince Eric. Oh to be a land-lubber eh Ariel?
The Weird: Whichever way you look at it, Eric basically winds up marrying a fish. Fair play to him for being so open-minded, but quite frankly we’re worried what the kids will look like…
Better Match: She should have stayed under the sea (where we have it on good authority that life is much better) and married an enterprising young fish. Nemo perhaps? No, that’s still weird…
King Kong (2005)
The Love Story: Man’s best friend may be the dog, but woman’s best friend? Well he is surely ape! That’s certainly the case with Ann Darrow and her furry protector Kong. Women like a partner who can look after them, and no man can protect a lady better than a giant ape.
The Weird: It’s doomed from the start given that they can’t, y’know, do stuff. Well we assume not anyway. There were a few tender moments on Skull Island…
Better Match: Poor old Kong would have had an easier ride cosying up to a T-Rex than getting mixed up with those pesky humans. Lesson learned.
Max, Mon Amour (1986)
The Love Story: Not much of a love story but a romance of sorts as Charlotte Rampling puts one over on husband Peter Jones by taking a chimpanzee as a lover.
The Weird: There are plenty of ways to piss off your other half. You could rip up his shirts, scratch his DVDs or just kick him in the crotch. There’s no need to get a chimp mixed up in your domestic. It’s just not fair.
Better Match: We don’t know about Rampling, but Max the chimp should get out as fast as he can. He’d be better off with Suzanne, that nice Orangutan from Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back .
The Love Story: Tom Hanks’ big kid falls for the comely Elizabeth Perkins, who responds to his childish innocence and love of life.
The Weird: When we described Hanks’ character as big kid, we meant it literally. He’s a 13-year-old boy who shares a sexual encounter with a 27-year-old woman. There’s definitely something a little off with that!
Better Match: We’d pair him up with Lindsay Lohan’s character from Freaky Friday . By which we mean Jamie Lee Curtis. Dammit, now we’re confused…
Star Wars (1977)
The Love Story: Luke is pretty taken with the feisty Leia from the word go, and finally gets what he wants when she gives him a big kiss “for luck”. Ooh, we’ve got a feeling about those crazy kids.
The Weird: Wait a minute, aren’t they brother and sister? Oh God…
Better Match: Leia should just have stuck to Han. Incest never has a happy ending…
What Women Want (2000)
The Love Story: Mel Gibson’s chauvinistic ad-man learns the error of his ways when he falls in love with co-worker Helen Hunt. See, Men can change for the love of a good woman.
The Weird: He seduces her by reading her mind. He’s not intuitive and understanding, he’s basically had a look at her diary and worked out what she likes. The scoundrel!
Better Match: Mel could swap mind-reading stories with Jean Grey. And she could kill him when he started with the racist stuff…
Return To Me (2000)
The Love Story: When poor David Duchovny loses his wife in a car crash, he is understandably struck down with grief. Over time he realises he must move on, and finally falls in love with nice Minnie Driver. How lovely.
The Weird: What we haven’t mentioned is that Minnie was at death’s door until she received Duchovny’s dead wife’s heart in an organ transplant. And yet he’s still happy to go out with her? What a freak!
Better Match: He could settle down with the Bride of Frankenstein, provided she wouldn’t mind being filled up with all his wife’s old organs.
The Wolfman (2010)
The Love Story: Lawrence and Gwen, star-crossed lovers divided by the terrible condition of the former. Will true-love conquer all?
The Weird: There’s the obvious issue that he’s a werewolf and she’s a rather delectable human lady, but on top of that, Gwen was engaged to Lawrence’s late brother. What sort of loyalty is that?
Better Match: Poor old Lawrence would be happier living in the wild with the girl from Ginger Snaps . Awooooooo!
Planet Of The Apes (2001)
The Love Story: Marky Mark is a long way from home, but Helena Bonham Carter’s comely young ape soon takes his mind off things…
The Weird: The human/ape love-affair is Hollywood’s favourite brand of inter-species canoodling, but we maintain that it’s just plain weird. Although if we had to do it with the ape, we’d probably go for one that looked a bit like Helena Bonham Carter.
Better Match: He and Ann Darrow should couple-up and sort out this monkey business once and for all…
The Love Story: It’s bad enough that vampire Selene has fallen in love with a human, but when he is turned into a Lycan (sworn enemy of the vampire) things go from bad to worse! That’s love for you though…never easy.
The Weird: She’s a vampire who fancies a human…who then becomes a werewolf. It makes Twilight look straightforward!
Better Match: Why can’t Selene settle down with a vamp and save herself the trouble. She should get her teeth into Edward Cullen and sort out Bella Swan’s problems at the same town.
The Love Story: Jeff Bridges plays an alien who comes to Earth and gradually forms a tentative relationship with newly widowed Karen Allen.
The Weird: It’s not so much that Bridges is an alien, but that he decides to inhabit the corpse of Allen’s recently deceased husband. Weirder still is the fact that she falls in love with him. In fairness, her head is probably all over the place…
Better Match: Is there a shortage of hot alien women? No, there’s not. We’ll be generous and tee him up with Natasha Henstridge of Species …
Beauty & The Beast (1991)
The Love Story: A cursed prince must win the love of a fair maiden in order to shed his beastly appearance. Fortunately, he’s found just the girl in Belle…
The Weird: Not only is Beast, well, beastly, he also keeps poor old Belle locked up in his castle for an inordinate amount of time. One bout of Stockholm Syndrome later and he’s bagged himself a wife. There’s something not quite right with this picture…
Better Match: She’s surely be much happier with one of Disney’s more eligible suitors. Aladdin perhaps? Someone a little less controlling…
Weird Science (1985)
The Love Story: Nerdy teen Wyatt appears to have found his soulmate in the form of the stunningly beautiful Lisa. Well, we say soulmate…we mean someone who’ll let him kiss them.
The Weird: Not only did Wyatt create Lisa out of a Barbie doll and some computer wizardry, she’s clearly got a good few years on him in the age department. Weirder still is that as a teenage boy, he doesn’t try and touch her boobs…
Better Match: We’ll match Lisa with fellow fish-out-of-water Encino Man. Thank us later dude.
Edward Scissorhands (1990)
The Love Story: Poor, sheltered Edward finally finds someone who will love him in the form of sweet-natured teen Kim. Somebody’s got her eye on a lifetime of free haircuts…
The Weird: We don’t know if anyone’s mentioned this but he’s got scissors for hands! The wedding night could be a potential bloodbath!
Better Match: Edward needs a similarly macabre soulmate, preferably one from Tim Burton’s barmy imagination. What about Sally the ragdoll? Actually no, that’s a recipe for disaster…
Meet Joe Black (1998)
The Love Story: Claire Forlani gets a second bite of the cherry when the recently deceased man she has taken a shine to miraculously returns at her door. How romantic!
The Weird: Sadly, Forlani’s beau is actually Death in disguise. Think about that for a second. When the two finally smooch, she’s essentially tonguing a reanimated corpse…
Better Match: Who to pair off Death with…how about his old pal God? The one that looks like Alanis Morisette obviously…unless Death and God are gay? What are we talking about…
Galaxy Quest (1999)
The Love Story: A pioneering relationship between humans and Thermians, as the lovely Lailari chooses to stay on Earth to be with her lover Fred. Bless.
The Weird: As we mentioned, Lailari is a Thermian, and comes equipped with more than a few tentacles. Still, should make for an interesting time in the bedroom!
Better Match: Despite the potential ickiness, these two are actually one of the cutest couples on the list. As a result, we say leave them to it. It takes all sorts you know…