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30 rules every RPG must follow

Here’s a quick checklist of what you should have: airship, completed paternal research, ancient artifact for destroying evil and epic armor/sword (found in a random chest along the way).

Once you have all these things, you’re ready to make your final assault and…


This darkworld or “underworld” is where you go to repeat steps one through twenty-eight one more time before the game ends. The new world will be similar to the regular world, but nobody in them wears bright colors and castles have all been built as mirror images of their regular counterparts.


Above: This is not the darkworld, but it looks like this. We just turned the regular world gray

Good, you've repeated everything and now, seriously, it's time to do battle with some ultimate evil in the Ultimate RPG. Get in your airship, plot a course for the Flying Fortress and, wait… what's this? A cutscene where you…


You met her in the first hour of the game, and it only took about 18/19ths of the game, but you’ve finally made your move. Way to go champ! Don't think for a second that her likely impending death played any role in this newfound passion whatsoever.

Head into the fortress and engage the embodiment of evil in physical combat. With all your experience it will be an awesome contest of button selection, but you can always reload right outside the room and try again. As you strike the final blow, you've finally defeated the villain, but somehow, he's still alive…


Fight him again. Don't fall for that second one – it's a trick. Alright kill him one last time. Congratulations! You can now say that you’ve beaten every role-playing game ever.

Mar 3, 2009


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77 comments

  • A2guy - July 14, 2009 4:09 a.m.

    I say this mostly apllies to jrpg's. still funny, though.
  • r3ap3r - July 1, 2009 3:17 a.m.

    this never stops gettin better awesome article
  • Bodock - June 30, 2009 12:06 a.m.

    does it have to have airships o.o and a seamonster
  • RedOutlive10 - March 6, 2009 3:04 p.m.

    Nice one, it's funny how many RPGs follow a similar plot. Good thing we have companies such as BioWare trying different setups.
  • hacman12 - March 6, 2009 1:41 a.m.

    ... creepy how good he is isn't it
  • Orionthefirst - March 5, 2009 10:56 p.m.

    Heheheh...Kain, you drunken mutheafrerergh.......
  • erreip199 - March 5, 2009 5:20 p.m.

    ive noticed some of this rules follow other game genres too especially the 3 stage final boss
  • MadCowDisease - March 5, 2009 1:49 a.m.

    Just awesome.
  • blackshark - March 4, 2009 9:07 p.m.

    also ur grandpa dies, so true lol
  • GawainBS - March 4, 2009 6:56 p.m.

    From which RPG is the latest screenshot in point 23? It's just above point 24 and tells about the smell in the Ancient Temple. ;-)
  • worl - March 4, 2009 3:09 p.m.

    Haha so true... Btw what is the game pictured on #8 ?
  • Tomsta666 - March 4, 2009 1:25 p.m.

    Rule #31 Be boring as fuck
  • phoenix_wings - March 4, 2009 9:36 a.m.

    It's awesome how you can find things with so much in common you can just generalize almost every single item in that category. I did that once with most of the Adam Sandler movies. Great article. This is the reason I come here instead of IGN. That, and half of the links I click on there take me someplace completely different.
  • GRwarrior - March 4, 2009 7:34 a.m.

    LOL awesome article FTW btw dont you think the words at the bottom we have to type are creepy? OC- Ellcr for christs sake
  • game-thugsta - March 4, 2009 1:36 a.m.

    someone close to you must die.... EVERY RPG GAME. usually a family member or love interest
  • norid - March 4, 2009 12:08 a.m.

    awesome article
  • charley235 - March 3, 2009 11:38 p.m.

    lol at the everythings true thing
  • Romination - March 3, 2009 11:35 p.m.

    yeah i have to be the douchebag that finds things that don't follow it. sigh... i still love you, paul. have my kids.
  • xFnKxTaLeNtx - March 3, 2009 11:20 p.m.

    Don't know what to say other than it was a good read. It made no sense at all, but still wanted me to finish the article... Weird
  • LionheartAce - March 3, 2009 10:47 p.m.

    ULTROS!!! That son of a bitch.

Showing 1-20 of 77 comments

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