30 rules every RPG must follow

Now that you're an established hero, it's time to leave the mainland. To do that, you’ll need to fly, but there are no planes in RPGs – that would be silly. You’ll need to acquire an airship.

The best way to get a flying ship is to steal it from pirates. If you haven’t done that by now, you’re still not a complete failure. Think back to all the friends you’ve made along your journey, which one was the best engineer? Go find that guy. He probably just completed his experimental airship and would love to let you fight evil with it. And redundantly...

Before mounting your final assault on the evil empire’s ultimate fortress, you’ll need at least one of these.

Above: If you can get five, it's even better

You’ll need this ship because the villain's fortress can fly. They always fly, and just to rub it in your face, they tend to be named the “Flying Fortress.” Luckily, hovering high above earthbound heroes makes most evildoers overconfident and they won't remember to lock the doors.

But before you get to the final dungeon, you’ll still need to actually retrieve that item from the Frozen Northlands. You’ll find it buried at the very bottom of an ancient temple. This temple is countless thousands of years old and moist. It will probably smell terrible, but it doesn’t matter, you can’t smell a game.

As part of its really old, stinky security system, the doors won't open to anyone who isn't a descendent of the Ancients. So it's a good thing…

This race happens to look, act, think, eat and sleep exactly like normal humans. The only characteristic that will differentiate them will be their key role in saving the world.

Head down to the bottom of the temple and recover the lost artifact, which happens to finally complete…

which is the key to solving most of the problems you have.

With science on your side, victory is almost certain, so a truly epic RPG (like this one) will compensate by creating a staggering moral dilemma. Just as you’re about to leave the temple, you’ll be confronted by your arch-rival and learn…

Nothing says “attempt to emotionally confuse the player” like adding a long lost brother story.



  • A2guy - July 14, 2009 4:09 a.m.

    I say this mostly apllies to jrpg's. still funny, though.
  • r3ap3r - July 1, 2009 3:17 a.m.

    this never stops gettin better awesome article
  • Bodock - June 30, 2009 12:06 a.m.

    does it have to have airships o.o and a seamonster
  • RedOutlive10 - March 6, 2009 3:04 p.m.

    Nice one, it's funny how many RPGs follow a similar plot. Good thing we have companies such as BioWare trying different setups.
  • hacman12 - March 6, 2009 1:41 a.m.

    ... creepy how good he is isn't it
  • Orionthefirst - March 5, 2009 10:56 p.m.

    Heheheh...Kain, you drunken mutheafrerergh.......
  • erreip199 - March 5, 2009 5:20 p.m.

    ive noticed some of this rules follow other game genres too especially the 3 stage final boss
  • MadCowDisease - March 5, 2009 1:49 a.m.

    Just awesome.
  • blackshark - March 4, 2009 9:07 p.m.

    also ur grandpa dies, so true lol
  • GawainBS - March 4, 2009 6:56 p.m.

    From which RPG is the latest screenshot in point 23? It's just above point 24 and tells about the smell in the Ancient Temple. ;-)
  • worl - March 4, 2009 3:09 p.m.

    Haha so true... Btw what is the game pictured on #8 ?
  • Tomsta666 - March 4, 2009 1:25 p.m.

    Rule #31 Be boring as fuck
  • phoenix_wings - March 4, 2009 9:36 a.m.

    It's awesome how you can find things with so much in common you can just generalize almost every single item in that category. I did that once with most of the Adam Sandler movies. Great article. This is the reason I come here instead of IGN. That, and half of the links I click on there take me someplace completely different.
  • GRwarrior - March 4, 2009 7:34 a.m.

    LOL awesome article FTW btw dont you think the words at the bottom we have to type are creepy? OC- Ellcr for christs sake
  • game-thugsta - March 4, 2009 1:36 a.m.

    someone close to you must die.... EVERY RPG GAME. usually a family member or love interest
  • norid - March 4, 2009 12:08 a.m.

    awesome article
  • charley235 - March 3, 2009 11:38 p.m.

    lol at the everythings true thing
  • Romination - March 3, 2009 11:35 p.m.

    yeah i have to be the douchebag that finds things that don't follow it. sigh... i still love you, paul. have my kids.
  • xFnKxTaLeNtx - March 3, 2009 11:20 p.m.

    Don't know what to say other than it was a good read. It made no sense at all, but still wanted me to finish the article... Weird
  • LionheartAce - March 3, 2009 10:47 p.m.

    ULTROS!!! That son of a bitch.

Showing 1-20 of 77 comments

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