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30 rules every RPG must follow

 

You've fully prepared yourself for a rich and rewarding life as a world-saving adventurer, so as you take your first timid steps out of town, don't feel bad about the thousands of animals you're about to butcher along your path of brutal carnage. Slaying every living creature you encounter is part of being an adventurer, and you've earned that title.

Your first battle will be a random encounter a few feet from your hometown’s gate. Monsters cover the entire world, except they never go into towns. Don't worry, the first one will be something like this.

During your scuffles with low-level creatures, you might get hurt. If you do, it's cool… 


Just tell her to use magic and select the spell that heals. It will be the only spell. She’ll get dozens more with practice, but by the end of the game, you’ll only use two of them.


Above: That’s the one 

Nothing can stop you now, so locate the nearby landmark. Whatever it is, that's where you're first quest is going to take place. After about 45 minutes of marching through it, you should arrive at a boss. After the fight get ready for…


In what seems like an amazing coincidence, you'll be drawn into a conflict that's much larger than yourself. What you're fighting against brings us to our second…

 


This non-specific, religiously affiliated organization seems austere and virtuous to the casual observer, but you'll discover that they're secretly collecting ancient artifacts from around the world. Their plan is to use them to summon the ultimate evil and bring about an age of suffering and theocracy.



Another thinly veiled allegorical enemy, the government has been harnessing technology for their nefarious plans. They're also looking for artifacts hidden around the world to power their ultimate creations.

Above: Probably a large plot twist 

Now that you've discovered this crisis, try returning to town to let all your friends know about this imminent threat. However, just as you cross the last stretch of land, you'll see that…


And only moments before your return, drat! This will add a layer to the lacquer of motivation pushing you forward through the rest of the game. Also, your grandpa will die.


Above: Whoever this guys is, he’s a real jerk

Running into town to search for survivors, you'll…


Hopefully, the game won't make you go through the formality of getting your butt handed to you on a platter, and you'll just see a cutscene of it happening instead.

If you end up having to fight someone more than 20 levels higher than you, don’t worry about losing. There will be something that saves you before you're annihilated; usually the power of true love, and sometimes it's the true love of a recently deceased grandfather.

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77 comments

  • A2guy - July 14, 2009 4:09 a.m.

    I say this mostly apllies to jrpg's. still funny, though.
  • r3ap3r - July 1, 2009 3:17 a.m.

    this never stops gettin better awesome article
  • Bodock - June 30, 2009 12:06 a.m.

    does it have to have airships o.o and a seamonster
  • RedOutlive10 - March 6, 2009 3:04 p.m.

    Nice one, it's funny how many RPGs follow a similar plot. Good thing we have companies such as BioWare trying different setups.
  • hacman12 - March 6, 2009 1:41 a.m.

    ... creepy how good he is isn't it
  • Orionthefirst - March 5, 2009 10:56 p.m.

    Heheheh...Kain, you drunken mutheafrerergh.......
  • erreip199 - March 5, 2009 5:20 p.m.

    ive noticed some of this rules follow other game genres too especially the 3 stage final boss
  • MadCowDisease - March 5, 2009 1:49 a.m.

    Just awesome.
  • blackshark - March 4, 2009 9:07 p.m.

    also ur grandpa dies, so true lol
  • GawainBS - March 4, 2009 6:56 p.m.

    From which RPG is the latest screenshot in point 23? It's just above point 24 and tells about the smell in the Ancient Temple. ;-)
  • worl - March 4, 2009 3:09 p.m.

    Haha so true... Btw what is the game pictured on #8 ?
  • Tomsta666 - March 4, 2009 1:25 p.m.

    Rule #31 Be boring as fuck
  • phoenix_wings - March 4, 2009 9:36 a.m.

    It's awesome how you can find things with so much in common you can just generalize almost every single item in that category. I did that once with most of the Adam Sandler movies. Great article. This is the reason I come here instead of IGN. That, and half of the links I click on there take me someplace completely different.
  • GRwarrior - March 4, 2009 7:34 a.m.

    LOL awesome article FTW btw dont you think the words at the bottom we have to type are creepy? OC- Ellcr for christs sake
  • game-thugsta - March 4, 2009 1:36 a.m.

    someone close to you must die.... EVERY RPG GAME. usually a family member or love interest
  • norid - March 4, 2009 12:08 a.m.

    awesome article
  • charley235 - March 3, 2009 11:38 p.m.

    lol at the everythings true thing
  • Romination - March 3, 2009 11:35 p.m.

    yeah i have to be the douchebag that finds things that don't follow it. sigh... i still love you, paul. have my kids.
  • xFnKxTaLeNtx - March 3, 2009 11:20 p.m.

    Don't know what to say other than it was a good read. It made no sense at all, but still wanted me to finish the article... Weird
  • LionheartAce - March 3, 2009 10:47 p.m.

    ULTROS!!! That son of a bitch.

Showing 1-20 of 77 comments

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