The Villain: Jedi Knight turned Dark Lord of the Sith. A bit wheezy. You know the fella…
Up Against: His wrinkled old employer and his meddlesome son, neither of whom ought to be any match for Lord Vader, but who repeatedly serve as a pair of flies in the ointment.
Unfair Fight: Skywalker spends most of his time mooning around after his sister, whilst Palpatine looks as though a stiff breeze would put him on his backside. Vader on the other hand can choke a man out without lifting a finger. How he doesn’t end up bossing the galaxy is a mystery.
How He Should Have Won: He should have taken the opportunity to bump off both Palpatine and Luke when they were scrapping at the end of Jedi. What sort of super-villain suffers a last-gasp wave of compassion? A soft one, that’s what sort.
The Villain: A kiddie-bothering psychopath who stalks his victims’ dreams from beyond the grave.
Up Against: A troupe of sleep-deprived teenagers.
Unfair Fight: Freddy has a set of knives attached to his fingers, lives in people’s dreams, and crucially, is already dead! His opponents on the other hand are a collection of spotty little oiks with zero combat experience. No contest.
How He Should Have Won: In a way he does, as he never seems to be definitively killed off. But maybe if he stopped horsing around like a panto dame, he’d get through his victims a bit quicker…
The Villain: Hill Valley’s resident bully-boy with a distinctly overactive pituitary gland.
Up Against: Gibbering pervert and Mr. Muscle prototype George McFly.
Unfair Fight: Biff has already proven himself to be a total psychopath (note how willing he is to potentially cripple Marty under the wheels of his car!) and towers head and shoulders above George. Yet one punch from McFly knocks him out? And there are no further repercussions? Please.
How He Should Have Won: He should have stayed focused. He takes his eye off the ball and ends up in a heap on the ground. A lifetime of waxing cars awaits…
The Villain: A time-travelling, seemingly indestructible Cyborg boasting the physique of an Austrian bodybuilder.
Up Against: A timid Los Angeles waitress.
Unfair Fight: He’s a robot assassin, created specifically for the task of exterminating humans. She pours cups of coffee for a living. Who’s your money on?
How He Should Have Won: If bumping off a defenceless young woman is too big an ask, why not take her out when she’s a defenceless little girl? He can time-travel remember…
The Villain: Hired muscle who enjoys killing people to watch their expression change. Nice fellow.
Up Against: Dainty working-girl Alabama Whitman.
Unfair Fight: She must be giving over a couple of hundred pounds to start with, not to mention the fact that Virgil kills people for a living. Surely even a single punch from one of those ham-fists would put her in a coma for a month?
How He Should Have Won: Maybe giving her a free shot with a corkscrew was a mistake? Just a thought.
The Villain: A murderous pimp with a nasty temper.
Up Against: Clarence Worley, a mild-mannered geek who works in a comic-book store.
Unfair Fight: Clarence has never fired a gun before, whereas Drexl spends his days fraternising with assorted scumbags from the Detroit underworld. He looks on the brink of murder even when he’s smiling.
How He Should Have Won: He should have realised he was living in a Tarantino-penned fantasy land and drawn his gun on every harmless-looking putz who crossed his path.
The Villain: The nastiest computer software since that aggressive strain of malware we picked up from a “rhythm website”.
Up Against: Mumbling computer geek Keanu Reeves.
Unfair Fight: Agent Smith crushes human upstarts for breakfast. Even if you can match his kung-fu tricksiness, he can just multiply a few more versions of himself as backup. However, since Keanu is some sort of Messiah figure, we guess he was never going to lose. But still…it’s a shame to see such a badass villain wiped out by a “woah, dude”-spouting piece of ply-wood.
How He Should Have Won: He should have brought a hundred versions of himself to the original film, before Neo got all “The One” on his ass.
The Wicked Witch Of The West
The Villain: A green-skinned sorceress with an army of airborne simians at her disposal.
Up Against: A small child and a trio of Village People rejects.
Unfair Fight: Given that the Wicked Witch can perform magic, it seems unacceptable to be defeated by an infant, no matter how distractingly weird her travelling companions are. “I'll get you, my pretty...and your little dog, too!” Big chat, but where’s the follow-through?
How She Should Have Won: Kill Dorothy first, worry about the slippers later. And if you’re allergic to water, don’t keep a bucket of the stuff sitting in your living quarters…
The Villain: A soviet block of pure muscle, carved from the excess materials left over from the Iron Curtain.
Up Against: A shambling, washed-up bruiser with a swollen, battle-worn face like a bag of spanners.
Unfair Fight: Did you see what Drago did to Apollo Creed? That’s what you call one-sided. Don’t tell us a bit of woodcutting in Siberia would prepare Balboa for that sort of onslaught.
How He Should Have Won: In the inimitable words of Nick Moran, “don’t touch him up, knock him out!”
The Villain: An oversized, metal-toothed henchman boasting a physique that would make Arnie think twice.
Up Against: An ageing, preening Roger Moore, who looks far more at home tackling a three course dinner than a giant assassin.
Unfair Fight: He’s stronger than Bond, meaner than Bond and damn near indestructible. Meanwhile, his opponent perennially has one eye on seducing Barbara Bach, and the other on figuring out his next one-liner. His mind’s not on the job!
How He Should Have Won: If he isn’t going to use those gnashers to bite Moore’s face off, he should stick a gumshield in to ward off the inevitable electrical mishap.
The Villain: Mad scientist turned super-villain Victor Fries. “Ice to meet you” etc. etc.
Up Against: The least threatening incarnation of Bruce Wayne ever seen on the big screen. And yes, that includes Adam West.
Unfair Fight: He might have been knocking on a bit, but Freeze is still played by Arnie. On top of that, he’s got the capability to freeze his opponents in their tracks! Meanwhile, Clooney doesn’t look as though he could punch his way out of a paper bag…
How He Should Have Won: If he’d stopped punning, even for a second, he might have realised he was facing off against a man wearing nipple-enhancing bondage gear. Surely then he would have put his back into it?
The Villain: A ruthless mob kingpin, head of New York’s dominant D’Amico crime family.
Up Against: Hit-Girl and Kick-Ass, otherwise known as a twelve-year-old girl and a high-school nerd.
Unfair Fight: D’Amico has a legion of trained killers on the payroll. Sure, Hit-Girl is no ordinary twelve-year-old, but surely one of his goons can aim a gun straight?
How He Should Have Won: He should have hired some more menacing henchmen than the motley crew of loveable cockneys he appears to have assembled.
The Villain: Cyrus The Virus, a career criminal who claims to have “killed more people than cancer”.
Up Against: Cameron “Hillbilly” Poe, a former US Ranger, convicted of just the one killing.
Unfair Fight: Poe has been a virtual boy-scout for most of his life, whilst Cyrus is an absolute loon, with a posse of lackeys at his disposal. He’s spent aeons meticulously planning his escape. Is a doughy-looking redneck going to stop him? Well, yes actually.
How He Should Have Won: He should have killed everyone on that plane who wasn’t one of his trusted lieutenants. Why take any risks?
The Villain: An all-seeing manifestation of purest evil.
Up Against: A lowly hobbit, and a rag-tag band of rebels.
Unfair Fight: He locates Frodo on countless occasions when the hobbit dons the ring, so he’s well aware of the plot at hand. And whilst Frodo has a notable supporting presence behind him, Sauron has a home-made army of hideous killing machines at his disposal. And yet the little tinker still manages to stroll into Mount Doom without getting his head caved in…
How He Should Have Won: Only a mug would fall for the old decoy routine as practiced by Aragorn. Surely some of his resources should be stationed within Mount Doom itself?
The Wet Bandits
The Villains: Harry and Marv, house-breakers extraordinaire!
Up Against: Little Kevin McCallister, an eight-year old boy left at home, er, alone.
Unfair Fight: Harry and Marv are professional crims. We can assume they’ve done time in some of the less salubrious prisons in America. One of them is Joe Pesci. A small child and a bewildered pensioner should be a minor annoyance.
How They Should Have Won: Rather than blundering from one booby trap to the next, they should have just torched the place and robbed somewhere else. Easy.
The Villain: Evil dictator of a parallel universe and descendent of the T-Rex. Yes, T-Rex the dinosaur. It’s that sort of film.
Up Against: A pair of hapless, moustachioed plumbers from Earth as we know it.
Unfair Fight: Not only is he a ruthless dictator, but when Koopa goes up against the Mario brothers, he’s devolved into a massive dinosaur! In the other corner you have a bloke who could change a washer for you, but isn’t too handy with his fists. Hmmm.
How He Should Have Won: He should have set up an infuriatingly difficult obstacle course for Mario to navigate, including floating platforms, protruding pipes and fire-breathing plants. Obviously.
The Villain: Leader of a demonic race known as the Cenobites, who promises to “tear your soul apart”. Sounds painful.
Up Against: A precocious teenage girl with no supernatural powers whatsoever.
Unfair Fight: Pinhead can tear a man apart without lifting a finger, thanks to his infernal powers and sadistic tendencies. Little Kirsty has a keen, puzzle-solving mind. Who will come out on top?
How He Should Have Won: By getting hold of the pesky little puzzle box and tearing that apart instead. Or at least hiding it somewhere!
The Villain: Eddie Brock, an average Joe under the influence of a mysterious alien parasite that gives him Spiderman’s powers and more…
Up Against: Spiderman, newly recovered after a nasty bout of Emo sulking.
Unfair Fight: As we mentioned, the alien symbiote has bestowed Brock with all of Spidey’s abilities, as well as cranking his aggression up to the max. He’s basically a souped-up version of the man he’s trying to defeat…
How He Should Have Won: He should have gone it alone. Getting the Sandman and Harry Osborne involved was a mistake. But then, perhaps that was Sony’s fault rather than his…
The Villain: A Time To Kill ’s oily district attorney, and the man charged with landing Sam Jackson with the death penalty.
Up Against: Jake Brigance, a penniless, heavy-drinking pretty-boy with a dearth of legal experience and a borderline-unwinnable case.
Unfair Fight: Let’s see…Buckley can call upon a close relationship with the judge, a jury full of middle-aged white people and a cast-iron case for the prosecution. Brigance can call upon good ‘ol sentimental values. Open and shut your honour! No?
How He Should Have Won: Don’t get us wrong, we love the way this one turns out, but surely Buckley should have done a little more with the fact that the defendant was proved sane when he went on his killing spree? Ah well…
Bruce The Shark
The Villain: A terrifying great white with a taste for hapless bathers.
Up Against: An old sea-dog, a small-town cop and a nerdy zoologist.
Unfair Fight: Having dealt with Quint, the only real badass of the group, surely Bruce’s spectacular killing spree won’t be brought to a halt by this pair of chumps? Eat the boat Bruce! EAT IT!
How He Should Have Won: He should have backed off for a while after munching Quint. And laying off the pressurized air tanks, delicious as they are, might have helped too.
The Villain: The flagship design from Omni Consumer Products, an enforcement droid programmed to keep the peace by shooting the hell out of anything it comes across.
Up Against: A cyborg police officer constrained by a set of namby-pamby “prime directives”.
Unfair Fight: Robocop is a pretty tasty customer, but really, you only need to look at the ED-209’s eventual “demonstration” to get the idea that our hero is somewhat outgunned…
How He Should Have Won: By taking a leaf out of the Daleks’ book and steering clear of the stairs. Robocop was there for the taking!
The Villain: The ten-foot Persian God-King. He’s kind of a big deal…
Up Against: Gruff homophobe Leonidas, and 299 of his closest pals.
Unfair Fight: Not only is Xerxes a man-mountain with thousands and thousands of warriors at his disposal, he also appears to be some sort of genetics genius from the look of some of the man-beast hybrids within his camp. Leonidas on the other hand, has quite a loud voice.
How He Should Have Won: Instead of sending his henchmen in dribs and drabs, why not send all of them at once? Ah arrogance, the great leveller…
The Villain: Paymaster of the Deadly Vipers Assassination Squad, and martial arts expert.
Up Against: A former employee who has been beaten, bloodied and buried alive in the preceding few days.
Unfair Fight: Bill taught The Bride everything she knew and is by all accounts, a thoroughly ruthless killer. Factor in that his opponent is hardly at her freshest (she was in a shallow grave not long before), and there aren’t many excuses for getting his backside handed to him. Although he is getting on a bit.
How He Should Have Won: Getting up off his bony old arse would have been a start. Not many villains stay seated during a fight to the death.
The Villain: Power-hungry Grand Vizier to the Sultan of Agrabah, owner of some truly excellent facial hair, and a mildly annoying parrot.
Up Against: A homeless boy and his pet monkey.
Unfair Fight: Having laid his hands on the magic lamp, Jafar has just turned himself into the most powerful sorcerer in the world. He can literally do anything, and yet he still conspires to balls it all up.
How He Should Have Won: He shouldn’t have turned himself into a genie. When Aladdin was winding him up, he should have vaporized him, not taken the bait like a sucker. That’s hindsight for you though.
The Villain: A dreadlocked, extra-terrestrial killing machine.
Up Against: A musclebound human killing machine.
Unfair Fight: As tough as Arnie is, the Predator has just wiped out an entire unit of US Army badasses. Brute strength just won’t cut it this time. Only a piece of ingenious cunning could stop the Predator in its tracks…
How He Should Have Won: By not allowing himself to be outwitted by a man who struggles to pronounce his own name. Duped by the old “look over there” trick? Embarrassing.
The Villain: A ruthless hitman, utterly devoid of any compassion for his victims.
Up Against: A bespectacled cab-driver prone to panic attacks.
Unfair Fight: A trained killer, a man who uses a gun every day of his life, in a face-to-face shootout with a passive, non-violent cabbie whose eyesight isn’t the best. Only one winner there right? Right?
How He Should Have Won: Try shooting straight you cack-handed charlatan! How did he ever find work as a marksman?
The Villains: A set of slimy, subterranean, man-eating worms, with smaller versions of themselves as tongues. Yes, you read that correctly.
Up Against: A pair of yee-haw handymen and their various small-town chums.
Unfair Fight: The graboids can soak up round after round of ammunition, are strong enough to pull a station wagon under the ground and have the time and patience to wait until their prey run out of resources. The humans have a knackered old digger and the odd gun.
How They Should Have Won: They’re strong enough to rip out the foundations of the general store, so why don’t they press on and bring the whole thing crashing down? And how come they’re lightning quick one minute, and ponderously slow when there’s a pogo-jumping youngster on the menu? They’re just not trying hard enough.
The Villain: A vastly powerful sorcerer with an army of loyal/terrified followers at his beck and call.
Up Against: Yep, it’s Arnie again, this time starring as sword-wielding meathead Conan.
Unfair Fight: Conan is a dab hand with a sword, but Thulsa can supposedly perform the most terrifying brand of black magic the Hyborian Age has ever witnessed. Lets hope he doesn’t just stand there when Conan shows up…
How He Should Have Won: …Gah, he just stands there! Why doesn’t he turn into a giant snake again? Disappointing.
The Villain: A dastardly sea-witch bearing more than a passing resemblance to I’m A Celebrity ’s Kim Woodburn…
Up Against: Puny land-lubber and fish-fetishist, Eric.
Unfair Fight: Having duped the great King Triton, Ursula has transformed into a banshee of titanic proportions, boasting full control of the ocean and capable of whipping up whirlpools and tidal waves left right and centre. Eric on the other hand, can sail a boat.
How She Should Have Won: She should have taken one look at the ship and capsized it. Instead, she’s too busy perfecting her operatic cackle to realise there’s a bit of wood sticking through her.
The Villain: An SS colonel known as The Jew Hunter, so-named for his preternatural ability to locate Semite stowaways in occupied France.
Up Against: Speech-mangling loon Lieutenant Aldo Raine, a specialist in killing Nazis.
Unfair Fight: In a fistfight you’d back Raine all the way, but once the Yank is in Landa’s custody, it can only end one way. Surely?
How He Should Have Won: Throughout the film, Landa is portrayed as ruthlessly cunning, and always one step ahead of his enemies. And yet somehow he is caught out when Raine reneges on the deal the pair have struck! Don’t trust anyone Hans. You more than anybody should know that.