We heard you the first time...
Whether you're a kid of the '80s or a child in the now, you've probably heard it all. We've combed our own childhoods to collect the most cliched parenting nitpicks, and the stuff we should have said back (but are kind of glad we didn't)...
Didn't I already buy you one of those things?
You did... last summer... when it had already been out forever. Now that thing is outdated and lame, and this new thing is at least five times cooler. Besides, aren't you wearing new shoes? Didn't you buy a pair of those last month?
You're wasting a perfectly good day inside
Outside is lame. It's all sunburns, broken arms, and life-threatening allergies. Do you really want to expose your precious child to that? No, I didn't think so. I will crack a window, though. This place could use some airing out...
You've been playing far too long
...and I'd finish playing a whole lot quicker without you nagging me every five minutes. Besides, it's either play this all day or join a gang and wind up on death row. Your call, but I'd rather avoid a life on the streets.
Real women / men don't look like that...
You might have a point. These poorly dressed women are entirely unrealistic and, quite frankly, offensive. This is an issue I definitely want to revisit in the future, but right now--in this very moment--I need you to leave this room and close the door behind you.
This game is too violent
A little faith here? I think I know the difference between fantasy and reality, and that it's not cool to stab someone in the neck and then teabag their corpse. Congrats, you raised me well. Now reward yourself with a marathon of CSI: Extreme Murder Face Unit or something.
You're getting too worked up
Oh, really mom? REALLY? I'm getting WORKED UP?! So when dad trashed the living room after the Super Bowl or Aunt Clara smashed our lamp after The Bachelor season finale that's FINE AND DANDY, but I throw my controller across the room ONCE and I'm the one we should worry about? It's called PASSION! Deal with it.
You always ask for games on your birthday / Christmas / report cards
Yup, and that's probably going to last until my 30s. One day you'll have to face the fact you have a gamer kid. I could ask for books or clothes to make you feel better, but in the end we'd just both be lying to ourselves.
You should be spending your allowance more responsibly
You're a financial advisor now? Tell me, Jim Cramer, was that $3,000 set of golf clubs a responsible use of your tax return? Were mom's Zumba lessons a mature use of her paycheck? It's my money, I'll do what I want. Until I run out. And then we'll talk.
Don't sit so close to the screen
And what? Play from the couch through a telescope? This is war, mom. I need to drown out distractions and absorb every last pixel. And let's be honest: no kid ever hurt their eyes playing close to the TV. Yeah there was Jimmy, but Jimmy has problems.