20 Most Rabidly Patriotic Games

Political Machine 2008
Ubisoft | 2008

The sequel to PM 2004, this PC strategy game enables you to design your own mudslinging Presidential candidate and embark on a soul-crushing campaign for the White House. Political Science majors will love gaining EXP in such categories as speeches, commercial advertisements, endorsements and spin doctoring. Also enables you to meet and compete against former running candidates, including Sen. John Edwards and Mayor Gulliani. Hey - stop rolling your eyes. The democratic process is an impor... screw it. If we can’t shoot a terrorist, then what gives?

Oregon Trail (popular version)
The Learning Company | 1985

If you’re in your twenties, chances are you’ve played this simulation of life as a 19th century pioneer. Besides all the fun you had killing buffalo and naming your party after close friends (ha ha, Alex Orellana died of dysentery!), did you know you were playing a game based on America’s self-professed belief that we were entitled to expand our border to the West from the Atlantic? Yup, you’ve been duped into playing Manifest Destiny: The Game. Sucker.

Acclaim | 1990

Don’t do drugs, kids. No, seriously - a crazed Narcotics agent might just fill your torso with bullets, leaving you dead on a city street paved with the tears of crack babies. This action-er enables you to arrest or violently kill drug dealers, while confiscating money and contraband. In an era full of anti-drug messages (remember the old title screen in arcades?), NARC felt hideously close to playing like America’s first FBI training simulator. Even the NES version had this statement in the instruction booklet:

“Playing NARC is one way to express a stand against drugs. The real test, however, is in your actions. So, spread the word that doing drugs is no longer ‘cool,’ and join Acclaim, Max Force and Just Say No International, in working to become the drug-free generation. Happy gaming.”

American Gladiators
GameTek | 1991

What’s more patriotic than the hit TV show featuring Joe Everyman getting pummeled by a burly beefcake with hilarious action-packed names? Absolutely nothing, you Communist. That’s why some genius, red-blooded American nabbed the rights for publisher GameTek to make some less-than-decent games based off them. Remember: only true patriots where outfits like that. No one wearing flag-decorated spandex is ashamed of Lady Liberty.

Fugitive Hunter
Black Ops | 2006

What’s the number one thing America hates? Terrorists. FH knows that undeniable fact all too well and equips you with the tools (read: guns) to be a one-man terrorist-hunting killing machine in this FPS. You’ll primarily be fighting these liberty-haters in the Middle East and at some points even engage enemies in hand-to-hand combat. Never mind the casual racism, you get to fight Osama bin Laden as the final boss. How patriotic/ridiculous is that?

Microsoft | 2001

Religious extremists threaten humanity's way of life through zealous suicide combatants, a planet-annihilating explosive device and - worst of all - languages and customs different from our own. Government-trained super soldiers who blindly follow orders from anyone with a medal on their chest are the only force standing in their way. People say "give 'em hell" and "booyah" a lot.

The patriotic parallels are clear. Plus, based on the fact that Earth's entire defense force seems to speak in clearly American accents, we think it's safe to declare that - in the future - the Red, White and Blue took over EVERYTHING. Damn straight.

FDNY: American Hero - Fire Fighter
Activision | 2002

Released just months after 9/11, FDNY: American Hero is a fully-licensed budget title placing you in the boots of one rough-and-tumble firefighter. While the 3D gameplay is essentially terrible, the graphics ugly and control scheme leaves little to be desired, some proceeds go towards the New York City Fire Safety Education Fund. Hey, we’re fully behind donations, but at least try making a good game next time, ‘k?

Click on to see the top five unpatriotic games. The bastards...

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  • sepirothpk - January 21, 2009 1:05 a.m.

    To America_FTW: America was hardly the underdog in WW@, they came in half way and were the only ones with nuclear weapons. And a lot of people weren't owned and America didn't take any of the brunt from the nazis and took credit for their defeat. USSR collapsed on itself while America was causing itself troubles. And you weren't the only army in the pacific (see: australia, who helped you a lot there). America's not neccesarily bad, but they have messed up a lot
  • MUSH-RUME - January 21, 2009 5:29 p.m.

  • Bonafiide - January 22, 2009 6:33 a.m.

    plumber turned fighter? sounds a little "IT'SA ME, MARIO!" to me
  • kibblesnbits1053 - January 24, 2009 1:52 a.m.

    I'm American and I hate Americans who think they are better than everyone. I also believe that this nation has ALOT to answer for, and not just in the past administration. Who cares if we beat Britain? Who cares if we led D-Day? We've made mistakes throughout the years, and I love America just as much as the next person, but one has to admit we aren't perfect. I'm behind my country as long as it does what is right for the world as a whole. I'm behind all countries that want to work towards the betterment of this planet. HUMANITY ftw.
  • kctusincmprndd - January 31, 2009 1:36 a.m.

    no offence to anybody but why people keep saying America to the country....... come on it is named United States of America and I said OF AMERICA. It is not named America. America is the continent in which millions of people live like me. So quit it....
  • DawgsFan117 - January 31, 2009 2:52 a.m.

    I agree with the above comment it is the USA. Also why is it that every european feels the need to bash the USA. We are just trying to catch up to all of yalls fuck ups along the way. Or does colonizing everything in Africa and the Americas and murdering millions not count as a major dick move. If you are going to look back at the USA's history please look at your own as well.
  • Anonymous93 - February 19, 2009 6:15 p.m.

    I also dont think any country is the geatest and those who think theirs is are probably a bunch of retards who dont know their history
  • Anonymous93 - March 17, 2009 11:34 a.m.

    I was actually criticising the British.
  • SuperBadnik - April 1, 2009 6:47 p.m.

    Ah America. A country built on genocide (of the native americans), which American's think is "freedom".
  • nadrewod999 - April 15, 2009 10:36 p.m.

    No offense to any die-hard loyalists in the chat room, but I think that we shouldn't see people from any one nation as a "superior race", but instead we should see everyone from every nation (AKA THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF HUMAN BEINGS) as "the most powerful race" on the planet Earth, and instead of getting into wars because one guy says "My country rules and your country drools." (I am looking at you, Bush. DON'T YOU DARE HIDE IN THAT TREEHOUSE, W!) Instead, we should put aside our differences (anyone who is racist/sexist/anything-else-ist should be put in solitary confinement until they decide to play nice with others) and work together, not just for the good of ourselves, but EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING ON THIS PLANET AND UNDER OUR PROTECTION! Maybe, just maybe, if we do this, there might be aliens that have been hiding just out of our sight who will see that we come in peace and begin communication with us (That was for the alien lovers out there, which I am not, although it will make life much better if the only fights we have are 1 or 2 fist fights about who needs to rake up some leaves that fell off of one person's tree and into another person's lawn, which can then be bandaged up, but no amount of gauze can heal someone who got headshot by a tank shell that then exploded on the spot)
  • Zeldrin - April 16, 2009 6:13 a.m.

    MGS actually comes appealingly close to the real US once you scratch the giant walkers and clones.
  • sprog - April 24, 2009 6:32 p.m.

    Some strong feelings here eh? I'm British, proud of my country. I admire America for going from a collection of colonies to the powerhouse it is today (read Crazy Horse and Custer by Stephen Ambrose - you'll be impressed). Likewise I admire Britain for staving off non-stop invasions and forging a world-spanning empire over hundreds of years, all from a tiny island. No amount of immature xenophobia will change those facts. France is still gay. Good feature btw.
  • FyshelStix - June 30, 2009 10:39 a.m.

    Great article but I don't agree with the one about Halo, in Fall of Reach I'm pretty sure it stated that the Human forces tried organise a peace between them and the Covenant. Also I've heard American, English and Australian accents in the Halo games.
  • HypureLunatic - June 30, 2009 9:41 p.m.

    @souleater77 there were 6 men raising the flag, 5 marines and 1 sailor Michael Strank, USMC; Harlon Block, USMC; Franklin Sousley, USMC; Rene Gagnon USMC; Ira Hayes, USMC; and John Bradley; Navy Corpsman just thought i'd throw that in there :)
  • DarxStar - July 1, 2009 11:08 a.m.

    GTA IV Unpatriotic? Someone's gonna pay! Wait I'm a Canadian with only a Wii and DS, what do I care?
  • Billiam101 - July 1, 2009 8:19 p.m.

    one more thing france is the best (joke)
  • bobbyjkl - July 2, 2009 11:01 p.m.

    What is this Superman 64 game? I've never heard about it before. Recaptcha: Formulas [unreadable]
  • noobeater - December 23, 2008 1:06 p.m.

    America_FTW needs to learn his history ...well said treners (note- on D-Day the brits landed and lost far less men then the americans) and randy chimp america and americans love themselves way too much great article all the same GR
  • LongRusty - December 30, 2008 10:57 a.m.

    In referece to Americat_FTW 1.You never thought us in WWII, you joined the war after you got your arses handed to you at pearl harbour by the japanese when you realised you were not quite so strong as you thought! 2. Actually we were the first country back on french soil after the retreat from dunkirk, we were meeting up with french resistance while germany STILL occupied it all. And then we were the first country to invade France, coming in on wooden gliders, at one location only 60 men took the most important bridge in normandy, which was defended by a Panzer division and 3 company's of german troops. 3. And who started 2 Wars lately that they are actually losing? Oh yeah, the good ol' US of A. Get your facts straight, frickin little 13 year old
  • neon-rainbowz - January 20, 2009 6:20 p.m.

    Don't get me wrong, I'm an American, I just dislike this country VERY MUCH, but FINALLY we get an awesome president :D (Obama!!!). But besides that, we suck.

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