Friday 13th (1980)
The Movie Moral: If you have sex as a teenager, you’re pretty much asking for a premature and bloody death.
The Reality: If you have sex as a teenager, the worst you can probably expect is an unflattering photo in the Daily Mail under the headline Broken Britain !
The Movie Moral: Steer clear of foreigners, particularly if you’re American.
The Reality: You should probably treat an offer of accommodation in an Austrian basement with a cocked eyebrow, but other than that, you shouldn’t have any problems.
The Movie Moral: Found yourself in mortal peril? Relax! A mixture of coincidence and fate will see you right.
The Reality: Aliens don’t exist (sorry folks) so we can’t really speculate on how you’d cope with them turning up, but in our experience, the best way to deal with life-threatening danger is to do a fucking runner! You might get lucky and find your assailant is water intolerant, but then again, you might not.
A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)
The Movie Moral: Made a mistake and haven’t paid for it? Well don’t worry, because your kids sure as hell will.
The Reality: Angry mobs get away with all sorts, let alone their kids. And most convicted child-murderers aren’t blessed with the ability to manipulate people’s dreams from beyond the grave. Fortunately.
Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)
The Movie Moral: Take a day off school. Chances are it’ll turn out to be the best day of your life.
The Reality: Repeatedly ditching school might make you the coolest kid in class, until all your mates head off to university, and you have to settle for being the coolest kid at McDonalds.
Knocked Up (2007)
The Movie Moral: Unprotected sex means pregnancy is definitely in the post, particularly if it comes off the back of a one night stand.
The Reality: A lot of the time, it only leads to a bit of a reputation and a nasty little rash. You only get the hat-trick if you’re really unlucky.
2 Weeks Notice (2002)
The Movie Moral: Opposites attract, so if you’re looking for love, start with all the people you hate.
The Reality: Opposites don’t attract, they repel. If you think someone you work with is a total arsehole, they talk in a way that suggests they’re an arsehole and they treat you in a manner in which an arsehole would treat you, then guess what? They’re probably an arsehole. Steer well clear.
The Fox And The Hound (1981)
The Movie Moral: At the end of this surprisingly harrowing film, the fox rescues his canine ex-chum, despite the fact he’s spent the last hour or so trying to avoid being killed by him. Can the two now put their differences behind them and become friends again? Nope, they go their separate ways. The lesson is, people who are different can possibly get along together, at a push. Can they truly be friends? Forget it.
The Reality: People from different cities, countries and races can be friends, and *gasp* even fall in love. Who knew?
Sleeping Beauty (1959)
The Movie Moral: Kissing a sleeping stranger will cause her to wake up and fall in love with you.
The Reality: The first part might be true, but love? Kissing a sleeping stranger will land you with a restraining order at the absolute best.
The Movie Moral: Bad things happen to good people. Just sit around on your arse for a bit, and it’ll all come good in the end.
The Reality: Nobody ever got anything done by sitting around and waiting. Seize the day and all that! Imprisoned at home by a pair of cold-hearted relatives? Get on the phone to Childline. That’s what they’re there for.
Garden State (2004)
The Movie Moral: If you’re suffering from a mental illness, don’t bother taking your meds. A nice long walk and the love of a good woman is all you need!
The Reality: This is straight from the Patch Adams school of medical bullshit! Doctors prescribe you medicine because you need it. Smelling a flower on a summer’s day is no substitute for a chemical kick up the backside.
Lord Of The Rings (2001-2003)
The Movie Moral: Technology is evil. Trees would be walking and talking by now if we didn’t keep cutting the poor blighters down.
The Reality: Technology is, by and large, a good thing. But for technology, you wouldn’t be reading this, and then where would you be? What do you mean “getting things done”? Come back!
Casino Royale (2006)
The Movie Moral: Women will always betray you, particularly the beautiful ones. It’s best to keep them at arm’s length at all times.
The Reality: If you’re a misogynistic, reckless, fly-by-night killer, chances are your relationships are going to suffer somewhat. Perhaps it’s worth taking a look in the mirror before writing off half the species as a bunch of wrong ‘uns.
The Hunchback Of Notre Dame (1996)
The Movie Moral: If you’re not Brad Pitt in the looks department, know your place and leave the pretty girls alone.
The Reality: Aim for the stars, uglies! If Lembit Opik can get one of the Cheeky Girls…hmm, bad example.
The Football Factory (2004)
The Movie Moral: Living a life without “kicking fuck” out of some poor blighter on a Saturday afternoon is frankly intolerable.
The Reality: There are plenty of things to do on a Saturday afternoon. One popular pastime involves joining thousands of like-minded souls to watch twenty-two men run around a field. They call it football. The fighting isn’t compulsory!
Into The Wild (2007)
The Movie Moral: Following your dreams is more important than anything else. It may even SPOILER ALERT be worth dying for...
The Reality: Following your dreams is all well and good, but nowhere does it say you have to follow them in the most reckless way possible. Pitching up in the Alaskan wilderness with the bare minimum of survival skills is tantamount to suicide!
The Movie Moral: It’s better to stay poor all your life, because rich people are bastards. You’ll end up getting the girl anyhow.
The Reality: If he’d had a few quid in his pocket, Leo might have been able to buy his way onto one of the lifeboats. We notice mean old Billy Zane didn’t end up in Davy Jones’ Locker…
The Movie Moral: So long as your mates are worse than you are, you’ll generally be thought of as a fairly good egg.
The Reality: Heroin-addicted, minor-shagging thieves rarely disappear into the sunset with a bag of cash under their arm. They generally end up on the railway lines somewhere.
The Ugly Truth (2009)
The Movie Moral: Single women are uptight, anally-retentive control freaks who need to loosen up and spread it around a bit if they want to bag themselves a man.
The Reality: Umm, not that we want to ruin anyone’s idea of the fairer sex as a race of chaste, trusting pixies, but quite a few of them enjoy sex. And, whisper it, sometimes with people they don’t know. Don’t tell anyone we told you though…
The Passion Of The Christ (2004)
The Movie Moral: Passively accepting an absolute kicking that will likely put you in an early grave, will work out for the best in the long run as it will one day land you a veritable army of followers. And not just on Twitter…
The Reality: Umm, unless you’re very, very certain you’re the second coming, and also very, very certain you’ve got a third coming in reserve, it’s probably best to change your story and get them off your case!