15 ways to tell you’re in deadly peril in a video game

You find yourself in some ludicrously elaborate labyrinth-like dungeon or cave network

Only baddies build dungeons. Hell, Hitler probably had a massive Zelda-esque water temple erected in his basement just for really evil kicks. If your character finds themselves in one of these stupidly convoluted structures they’ll no doubt have to traverse a variety of puzzles. Most of which have been designed to sever spleens. Even if you do survive the Goonies-inspired traps of doom your only reward will be to face a giant monster/bug/evil spirit/dinosaur/semi naked ninja chick that’ll try to eat/maim/possess/chop your Johnson off.

You’re in a helicopter

Honestly, your character would be safer in a three-wheeled car driven by a deaf person. Who’s been blindfolded. Then forced to down seven bottles of premium distilled Russian vodka. Consulting our big book of indisputable gaming facts shows 99.24% of video game copters are destined to be shot down by an RPG or surface to air missile. If by some miracle the baddie who’s firing at you misses, then you can be sure you’ll get swatted down by a massive alien abomination with tentacles five minutes later. Either way, say your prayers: your shit’s going down.

You climb a huge set of stairs

Nothing. Nothing good ever awaits you at the top of a set of gaming stairs. Just once we’d like to get to the summit of some and have our character’s ruined hamstrings rewarded with a big chest of credits, an awesome laser sword or a date with a chick with three boobs. But no, it’s always a small armada of enemies, an enormous door with a boss behind it or worse, more f**king stairs. If we can’t save the world by staying on the ground floor of Evil Incorporate then the world can go screw itself. We’re taking our character to the virtual pub down the street.

You walk over a pile of leaves

Don’t be fooled. Video game Mother Nature wants you deader than an alligator purse. Oh sure, that pile of foliage your character’s walking towards might look harmless enough, but it’s most likely concealing a bottomless pit filled with spikes that have been coated with the Ebola virus. Same goes for trees that have bits of rope between them. Oh, and rickety rope bridges? Yeah, every single one of those assholes is out to get you.

Above: Our advice? Take on the baddies. They ain't go anything on those leaves

Jan 21, 2009

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  • kaittybee - March 18, 2010 5:49 p.m.

    this is by far my favorite article on this website. this article saved me from dying in quite a few games! LONG LIVE GAMESRADAR!
  • Bloori - February 18, 2010 8:55 p.m.

    ronald mcdonald?! Lol, and there should be- If you are a little girl in Resident Evil. I saw a little girl die there. or, If you are stuck in a room full of strange people who don't answer, then their heads turn 360 to face you. That is a Definate "Oh shit, i'm gonna die in this game" moment. Trust me, that should be there.
  • RoflZilla - January 27, 2010 8:40 p.m.

    you also forgot going over a hill. it seams evory time you get to the to the is a big ass monster waiting for you.
  • AuthorityFigure - January 27, 2010 12:18 p.m.

    DOOM3 contains virtually ALL of these devices... It's like they just checked them all off when designing the damn thing.
  • g4m3rk1dd - January 25, 2010 5:21 p.m.

    lol anywhere near water? what about that game hydrophobia? XD and if u have the worlds most kick ass fast food clown behind you about to well...kick your ass...then yes its an automatic game over
  • MaynardJ - January 25, 2010 3:33 p.m.

    Nice article!! Two more ideas: 1. I agree with Picnic1 on the seemingly abandoned area, but you're even more certain of imminent death if you find another character (preferably a hostage) there and a cutscene starts. Something bad will happen during or after that cutscene, I'm thinking of Metal Gear Solid right now. 2. I'm currently playing Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones, a very notable exception to the water rule. If you and your partner get separated during a cutscene, you're about to be attacked. Surely this applies to a lot of other games.
  • Spybreak8 - January 24, 2010 11:59 p.m.

    Haha I love the Deadspace, lights out, McDonalds guy behind him one and the librarian silence was also pretty funny. I just got done playing Mass Effect again and you gotta love it when it autosaves before or after you enter an area/building etc.
  • nugby - January 24, 2010 11:04 p.m.

    "Take on the baddies. They ain't go anything on those leaves" That line is AWESOME!
  • Picnic1 - January 24, 2010 10:17 p.m.

    Good article. I especially liked this line: 'Any door, gate or fancy electronic barrier you walk through that then shuts on its own accord is doing so because it wants you out of the union' I would add another way that you can tell you are in deadly peril. When you enter any seemingly abandoned industrial warehouse area (this has later been extended to include buildings like churches). This allows an unlimited number of would be assasins to appear from nowhere and fire at you from windows, overhead gantries, behind barrels or other scenery, sit in huge cargo boxes, waiting to kill you with a sniper rifle or even come down from the ceiling through a skylight on a wire. I'm thinking of Max Payne 2 and Half life 2.
  • Guardian88 - January 24, 2010 3:36 a.m.

    When the lights go out, it WOULD be scary as f*** to see Ronald McDonald just standing behind you. HAHAHA but that picture is really f***in' funny!!!
  • patri0t - January 23, 2010 9:45 p.m.

    wow i didnt know how dangerous games could be thanks for the tips GR!!
  • RaIdEn - January 23, 2010 5:19 a.m.

    forget uroboros, zombies, aliens, sociopathic killers and demons, if i find out ronald mcdonalds loose in a building with me, im turning off the game and snapping the disk. creepy ass clown bastard
  • kratos2144 - January 22, 2010 11:32 p.m.

    On the last quote i think you meant to say "They ain't got anything.." And you guys said. "They ain't go anything.."
  • Xeacons - January 22, 2010 7:24 p.m.

    I can't believe you guys got so much against facial hair. How bout all our favorite heroes? Mario, Gordon Freeman? L4D's Bill? Need I continue? Guys you can trust!
  • jackthemenace - January 22, 2010 6:39 p.m.

    i love these articles :D you guys are an inspiration to gamers everywhere. i will never look at a pile of leaves the same way again ¬.¬
  • FreekinIdiot - January 22, 2010 4:49 p.m.

    God I love the one with psycho Ronald McDonald, he turely is a deeply malevolent creature of satan but man does he do good burgers :)
  • Conman93 - January 22, 2010 4:19 p.m.

    Lol im playing chrono trigger now, and there is always a conveniently placed save point out of nowhere. Same in mario and luigi 3 Lol at the zelda ones.Sooo true
  • Oddeh7 - January 22, 2010 3:15 p.m.

    So librarians can now kill genetically enhanced hedgehogs with a finger and their mind? Oh god no. Plus, Issac Clarke VS Ronald McDonald = BEST DEATHMATCH EVAR
  • rxb - January 22, 2010 1:24 p.m.

    Good read, all soo true. Personally I hate the self locking doors most.
  • StrayGator - January 22, 2010 5:57 a.m.

    Doctors should be exempt from the facial hair rule. gordon freman and eli vance are probably the 2 people i'd like to have on my side during a zombie apocalypse / bar fight. That's even before mentioning Dr. Light. oh, c'mon.

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