You find yourself in some ludicrously elaborate labyrinth-like dungeon or cave network
Only baddies build dungeons. Hell, Hitler probably had a massive Zelda-esque water temple erected in his basement just for really evil kicks. If your character finds themselves in one of these stupidly convoluted structures they’ll no doubt have to traverse a variety of puzzles. Most of which have been designed to sever spleens. Even if you do survive the Goonies-inspired traps of doom your only reward will be to face a giant monster/bug/evil spirit/dinosaur/semi naked ninja chick that’ll try to eat/maim/possess/chop your Johnson off.
You’re in a helicopter
Honestly, your character would be safer in a three-wheeled car driven by a deaf person. Who’s been blindfolded. Then forced to down seven bottles of premium distilled Russian vodka. Consulting our big book of indisputable gaming facts shows 99.24% of video game copters are destined to be shot down by an RPG or surface to air missile. If by some miracle the baddie who’s firing at you misses, then you can be sure you’ll get swatted down by a massive alien abomination with tentacles five minutes later. Either way, say your prayers: your shit’s going down.
You climb a huge set of stairs
Nothing. Nothing good ever awaits you at the top of a set of gaming stairs. Just once we’d like to get to the summit of some and have our character’s ruined hamstrings rewarded with a big chest of credits, an awesome laser sword or a date with a chick with three boobs. But no, it’s always a small armada of enemies, an enormous door with a boss behind it or worse, more f**king stairs. If we can’t save the world by staying on the ground floor of Evil Incorporate then the world can go screw itself. We’re taking our character to the virtual pub down the street.
You walk over a pile of leaves
Don’t be fooled. Video game Mother Nature wants you deader than an alligator purse. Oh sure, that pile of foliage your character’s walking towards might look harmless enough, but it’s most likely concealing a bottomless pit filled with spikes that have been coated with the Ebola virus. Same goes for trees that have bits of rope between them. Oh, and rickety rope bridges? Yeah, every single one of those assholes is out to get you.
Above: Our advice? Take on the baddies. They ain't go anything on those leaves
Jan 21, 2009
How to make a game that’ll sell a million copies
The guide to designing cynical, clichéd games that’ll make you a millionaire
The best dead things in games
Why should the living get all the attention?
Warning: This article definitely contains spoilers
Join us, as we ruin over 80 games for you