15 ways to tell you’re in deadly peril in a video game

You pass a seemingly inconspicuous vent or hidey hole

Jeez, dude. You’re really in for it now. Hard gaming science dictates that 93.6% of all video game vents have something terrible crawled up inside them, just waiting to pounce and suck out your bone marrow. If said vent is slightly ajar or has a few loose screws you can raise that stat to 114%. Unless you’re carrying a machete that would make Mick Dundee’s look like a butter knife, you can safely assume whatever’s jumping out of there is making you its dinner.

Any moment where your character isn’t totally miserable in a survival horror

Your reluctant cop/space miner/enterprising schoolgirl should never at any point enjoy a single modicum of happiness during a horror game. Such a brief interlude of joy among the unremitting, wrist-slashing misery can only mean something terrible is about to happen. Most likely involving a big carving knife and your character’s crotch.

Above: Wow, cracking a smile? You’re so screwed, Sheva

You befriend/trust anyone with facial hair

If you take nothing else away from this feature, learn this: any NPC you meet with even a hint of face fuzz will invariably betray and try to murder you horribly at some point. Remember kids, only trust clean-shaven characters. OK, at a push you can befriend someone if they’ve got a really awesome handlebar moustache. Sure, they’ll probably try to kill you. But being murdered is a small price to pay for the privilege of bathing in the presence of such a magnificent soup-strainer. God, we’re hot for Captain Price.

Above: Man, that's some straight up evil face fur

A door slams shut behind you of its own freewill

Any door, gate or fancy electronic barrier you walk through that then shuts on its own accord is doing so because it wants you out of the union. If you encounter one of these sentient sociopathic doorways: beware. You’re almost certainly about to find yourself trapped inside a massive, cavernous arena, where a boss character is motivating itself for your murder by imagining you mugging its mum.