15 ways to tell you’re in deadly peril in a video game

Moustaches. Puddles. Piles of leaves! And 12 more sure-fire signs of impending digital death

You%26rsquo;re in a helicopter

Honestly, your character would be safer in a three-wheeled car driven by a deaf person. Who’s been blindfolded. Then forced to down seven bottles of premium distilled Russian vodka. Consulting our big book of indisputable gaming facts shows 99.24% of video game copters are destined to be shot down by an RPG or surface to air missile. If by some miracle the baddie who’s firing at you misses, then you can be sure you’ll get swatted down by a massive alien abomination with tentacles five minutes later. Either way, say your prayers: your shit’s going down.

You climb a huge set of stairs

Nothing. Nothing good ever awaits you at the top of a set of gaming stairs. Just once we’d like to get to the summit of some and have our character’s ruined hamstrings rewarded with a big chest of credits, an awesome laser sword or a date with a chick with three boobs. But no, it’s always a small armada of enemies, an enormous door with a boss behind it or worse, more f**king stairs. If we can’t save the world by staying on the ground floor of Evil Incorporate then the world can go screw itself. We’re taking our character to the virtual pub down the street.

You walk over a pile of leaves

Don’t be fooled. Video game Mother Nature wants you deader than an alligator purse. Oh sure, that pile of foliage your character’s walking towards might look harmless enough, but it’s most likely concealing a bottomless pit filled with spikes that have been coated with the Ebola virus. Same goes for trees that have bits of rope between them. Oh, and rickety rope bridges? Yeah, every single one of those assholes is out to get you.

Above: Our advice? Take on the baddies. They ain't go anything on those leaves

Jan 21, 2009

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