15 ridiculously NSFW gaming ads (for totally unsexy stuff)

...because tennis?

It's a tennis game. Tengen made it. I'm not sure what else you want me to say. I guess they do have individually pixelated butts.

Game Gear will fulfill your wildest fantasies...

Here's a 'pro tip': Don't stick your penis into a Game Gear. This man mistook his Sega-brand handheld for a sex toy, and his flattened, cartridge-shaped wang now serves as a permanent reminder that he was dead wrong. Maybe if this oaf was actually looking down, he would've realized that he was vigorously humping a piece of plastic.

...if you fantasize about spending a fortune on batteries

You know, the Game Gear did full-color handheld visuals when the Game Boy didn't. You know what else the Game Boy didn't have? A voracious appetite for six AA batteries every two hours, housed in a system so bulky it could barely be called portable.

Game Boy Pocket will Jesus H. Christ Nintendo, what were you thinking...

I pray to God that this woman safely escaped from the disheveled murder-house belonging to this homicidal, Tetris-obsessed maniac. Looking at this image makes me instinctually want to call the police, not rush to a store and snag a slimmer Game Boy. Advertisements like this one are why we can't have nice things, humanity.

...but seriously, Nintendo, what were you thinking

Here's a fun experiment! Tell a joke about that time a riveting game of Tetris took priority over S&M roleplaying with your significant other. Now, look around you. Is anyone laughing? No - because you're alone, and with that sense of humor, you always will be.

S.P.Y. will introduce you to some bodacious babes...

I think The Lonely Island wrote a song about this exact scenario. Are those mustached twins our heroes? The villains? I honestly have no idea. The woman in the green bikini looks like she's longingly gazing at the place she'd rather be - somewhere, anywhere but here.

...just kidding, it's a generic beat-'em-up

Complete with levels that liberally rip off Space Harrier and Contra! Konami made Turtles in Time and Sunset Riders, so it's eternally forgiven for any arcade stinkers. But you won't score any points with the bikini babes by completing this coin-muncher, I'm afraid to say. Looks like you bought that neon-pink-and-yellow wetsuit and white fedora for nothing.

GOTCHA makes a game out of inappropriate touching...

The photographer probably told this model to look like she was having fun. Yet the picture makes it look like she's running away screaming from this lecherous-looking man. And "Gotcha!" is typically what psychos say before a devilish grin flashes across their face, a loud violin chord rings out, and the screen cuts to black. Also, this arcade cabinet is purposely designed to make the controls look like giant pink nipples. Way to go, Atari. Also also, why is the woman transparent? Are they ghosts? This adds a whole new dimension to the terror!

...if you really, really, really use your sick imagination

No, this isn't a '70s training simulation for aspiring cryptographers - it's all the hot, steamy in-game action awaiting you in GOTCHA. You play as a ball chasing a plus sign through a shifting maze of random shapes. Because that presentation could be interpreted as literally anything, Atari's advertisers thought it would be best to offer sexual harassment as the prompt for your mind's eye. For this, they shall burn in Hell.

Interlude asks about your love life...

Why do you have to put me on the spot like that, Interlude ad? Yes, I often like to strip down to my unmentionables and lug an 80-pound home computer into my bed. Is that so wrong? I'm no different from any other sane human being: I just want to be loved. Can your product finally offer an escape from my lonely nights and tear-stained pillowcases?