15 ridiculously NSFW gaming ads (for totally unsexy stuff)

...so you can take care of the world's fugliest Tamagotchi

The visual imagery of inseminating a sea bass is only slightly more revolting than the gameplay in this Dreamcast oddity. You'll question if the sex crime you committed against all of creation was worth it when your offspring looks like Ariel's inbred half-cousin, thrice removed.

Gallop Racer 2 puts booth babes front and center...

Hello, ladies! I don't speak Japanese, but your kind eyes and winning smiles are a universal form of communication. However, I have a sneaking suspicion that you're neither featured nor interested in Gallop Racer 2, and judging by your attire, jockeying is not your formal profession. So I'm a little confused as to why you're taking up more space on the page than the gameplay screenshots. Oh well!

...because why else would you to buy a full-price horse racing game

If you often purchase horse racing games from Japan at retail, then I'm sorry to have offended you with such mockery. But then again, you're not actually reading this right now, are you? You're probably off somewhere betting fake money on fake horses because that's what your life has become. Unless the game in question is Japan World Cup 3, in which case I take it all back.

Deathtrap Dungeon makes you the personal pet of a dominatrix...

"There's only one thing more torturous than playing Deathtrap Dungeon. Not playing it." So... were people writhing in agony before Eidos pressed this game to disc? Waterboarding, bamboo shoots under the fingernails, drills drawing ever closer to your eardrum - all of it pales in comparison to this third-person Dark Ages brawler. Which I guess is a good reason to buy it? Maybe?

...but first, you have to find the keys to a few hundred doors

Ian Livingstone is the author of the Fighting Fantasy series of choose-your-own-adventure books. You know how those tend to devolve into a series of dead-ends, confusing riddles, and fatal pitfalls that you can't see coming? Now picture that with some chunky polygons, and you've got Ian Livingstone's Deathtrap Dungeon in a nutshell. Yep - Livingstone was slapping his name on games before American McGee made it cool for a whole five minutes. But to be fair, at least there's actually a playable dominatrix in this game.

Gex 3: Deep Cover Gecko proudly flaunts lizard handbras...

Pop quiz: what's the best way to promote the latest game from a third-rate mascot? If you answered "Show a parody of Janet Jackson's infamous Rolling Stone cover instead of gameplay," then you're a late '90s publicist who got flung into our time to discover that everyone thinks you're dumb as hell. Welcome! This is what's become of that little fad called "the internet". We currently have no way of sending you back to your former reality. Sorry about that.

...to promote a mediocre platformer

Now admittedly, Playboy model Marliece Andrada is in Gex 3, relegated to FMV cutscenes that serve as the springboard for Gex's horndog comments. But all of those... ugh... "Miss Adventures" boil down to running and jumping through very loosely themed 3D stages, all while you daydream about playing Super Mario 64 instead. Ah, and before I forget: obligatory Geico joke.

Blood offers up a male model bathing in claret...

You'd be amazed (or maybe not) at how rarely men take the sexualization spotlight in video game advertising, so Blood is a refreshing outlier. "You're soaking in it," reads the text carefully placed near this fellow's abs/crotch. I was under the impression that I was looking at a fold-out ad in a magazine, rather than soaking in blood, but I guess I stand corrected. I'm also of the belief that this man's nipples could cut through glass.

...for a game where you're a zombie cultist killing zombies and cultists

The Blood ad also has the decency to show actual gameplay to the audience - imagine that! But since this shooter uses a first-person perspective, there's no way to tell that the protagonist, Caleb, is a gritty Wild West gunslinger raised from the dead, not the hunky genderswap of Elizabeth Bathory. False advertising strikes yet again! In any case, you should go play Blood. It's pretty great.

Davis Cup World Tour butt butt butt butt butt...

I have no idea what this advertisement is actually for, because all I see when I look at it is a woman's butt. That description text? Those in-game screenshots? They may as well not exist, because they are vying for your attention against impossible odds (much like the paragraph you're currently reading). But besides reducing a real woman with thoughts and feelings to an anonymous rear end, there are some definite problems with this ad. I get that "Take advantage" is a tennis joke, but given the context, it sounds like the inner monologue of a sexual predator. And why is this tennis player holding a boxed game at this exact moment in time? What, is she about to spike it across the net for a highly illegal serve?