15 ridiculously NSFW gaming ads (for totally unsexy stuff)

They're not fooling anyone (I hope)

It's a commonly held belief that sex sells, but that's not really true. Sure, sexually charged imagery has a good chance of grabbing people's attention, but just because someone does a double-take on your product, doesn't mean they're going to snatch it up and sprint over to the nearest cash register. Advertisements full of T&A might be marginally appropriate when the game in question is all about naked bodies - Leisure Suit Larry, Muscle March, Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball, what have you. But typically, in-your-face objectification in game ads is reserved for titles that are desperate to distract you from their blatant flaws and failures.

You've no doubt seen those Game of War commercials starring Kate Upton, which devote roughly 0.05% of the ad's runtime to the game itself. But this is just the latest in a not-so-proud tradition of games trying to ensnare those who make purchasing decisions with what's in their pants. Strap in for a ride on this libido roller coaster, as we journey back through time to see the most ridiculously sexual game ads that in no way represent what's actually being sold.

Wartune thinks you deserve an orgy today...

I'm fairly certain that, at no point in the entire course of human history, has an actual person earnestly commented that "You deserve an orgy today!" But maybe Wartune is on to something. Instead of complimenting your co-worker in the hall with "Hey Alex, great job on the quarterly earnings presentation today!", why not try shouting "Hey Alex, you deserve an orgy for the way you presented that PowerPoint!" across the office? You'll destroy your reputation and career in one fell swoop, but you'll have that much more in common with this stolen art asset of a smiling maiden lifted from a Chinese MMO.

...an orgy of pay-to-win micromanagement

If Wartune really did invite people over for a rollicking evening of group sex, it would only allow its participants to remove one item of clothing (socks included, and counted individually) every seventeen hours. Its actual gameplay is about as arousing as looking at a map while someone begs you for money.

Evony wants you to come play, my lord...

Ah, Evony - a modern classic of laughably bad and ineffective advertising. What started as a concerted effort to grab the attention of horny web surfers devolved into something bordering on self-parody, with banner ads that assume breasts, in any form, have the same effect as a hypnotist's swaying watch. If you're the kind of person who excitedly clicks on each and every Evony ad you encounter online, then prepare for a lifetime of disappointment. Things are only going to get worse from here.

...because nothing short of a god could make this game interesting

Think Farmville is for Facebook casuals, but find yourself itching to click a bunch of static images while you wait for something to happen? Hankering for a SimVillage where it takes a real-world week to erect a new building? Evony is the game for you, person who doesn't exist!

PlayStation Vita thinks mutant back-breasts are "added enjoyment"...

If you find this imagery to be sexy, then you're well on your way to becoming a festishistic serial killer who can only make love to modified mannequins. If you find this imagery funny, you're just an idiot.

...and when a rear touchpad is your system's selling point, that's just pathetic

Congratulations: you're now the owner of a system with next to zero first-party support! I hope you like playing imported visual novels, JRPGs, cool indies, or remote play, because that's all you'll ever use this handheld for!

Nyko Air Flo controllers ask if you're cool enough...

This anatomically incorrect comic book woman took a break from her role in a Rob Liefeld comic to stand next to these controllers, so I guess they must be tangentially related! Note the pasted-on Nyko logo on her shirt, carefully manipulated to accentuate the curvature of her breasts and half-raised nipples. Just to clarify, what does all this have to do with third-party controllers, again?

...even though they already know the answer is "no"

I guess the intent was that, when you see this drawing of a woman, your palms will become so sweaty that you'll be begging for some kind of fan-powered plastic controller to dry them off. Or maybe her dead-eyed stare will somehow remind you that your hands become rainforests whenever you're playing a game (kinda like mine)? Either way, Air Flo controllers are what you game with if you don't want anyone to ever take you seriously.

Seaman suggests that you get your freak on with a fish...

It's not often that an advertisement will use beastiality as an incentive to purchase a product. Actually, I'm not sure if it's still called beastiality when the animal you're sexually assaulting can breath underwater. And I'll be damned before I look that up on the Internet.