As we are all aware, death is as inevitable as a last gasp Manchester United goal, and probably just as painful.
Throughout the history of cinema, writers and directors have mined their collective morbidity to come up with some particularly horrifying ways of doing folk in.
Join us for a look at some of the most bizarre movie deaths ever commited to celluloid, and pray to Speilberg that when you go, it is in a fashion far less horrid than these poor souls...
The Movie: Billy Peltzer brings home a strange new pet, a Mogwai, for which he is given three important rules.
But silly Billy breaks them all, and inadvertantly unleashes a horde of mischievous, murderous Gremlins on his home town.
Death By: Microwave – Left at home with three gremlins, Lynn Peltzer, Billy’s mother, manages to puree one in a blender and stab a second.
Grisly yes, but then she executes her piece de resistance – exploding the third in the microwave.
If This Was The Real World: Half-baked on whale tranquilisers (or whatever the kids are taking these days), you put the cat in the microwave to warm the little fella up. A pop, a splat and a hiss later, and you've got some pretty serious explaining to do.
Next: Indiana Jones, Happy Birthday To Me [page-break]
The Movie: Er, Indy has to do something… Nuclear Fridge… Something about a son he didn’t know he had… Commies… Ray Winstone and John Hurt… Inter-dimensional Aliens…
We’d try and recall more actual detail, but this only results in physical pain, and, well, it’s hard to type when you’re sobbing like a baby.
Death By: Ants – Fighting against a pack of rabid Commies in the South American jungle, both sides are set upon by a nest of giant red ants.
Indy narrowly avoids the pesky critters, but one of the Commies isn’t so lucky, and the Ants engulf him, inside and out, before carrying him off to their nest. Ewww.
If This Was The Real World:
Taking advantage of the quite glorious climate, you go for a sunbathe in the back garden. The red ants don’t take kindly to this and bite you.
You suffer an allergic reaction, and drown in your own fluids.
The Movie: It’s Ginny’s 18th birthday, but she is plagued by blackouts after an accident a year ago.
When all her friends start dying one by one, is Ginny herself responsible? Or will the plot get so twisted that even Wikipedia can’t explain it? (That’s a yes).
Death By: Kebab Skewer – Inviting popular kid Steve to her house for dinner, Ginny (or is it?) is feeding Steve shish kebabs.
When he leaves his mouth open, Ginny (or whoever) shoves the steel skewer down his throat, killing him instantly.
If This Was The Real World: Three sheets to the wind and stopping for a post-pub snack, you enter the local kebab house and wind-up choking to death on a piece of mystery meat.
Next: No Country For Old Men, The Long Ships [page-break]
The Movie: Llewelyn Moss (Josh Brolin) stumbles upon a drug deal gone wrong and makes off with $2 Million in cash, much to the annoyance of the money’s owners.
They dispatch psychopath assassin Anton Chigurh to retrieve the money, and events quickly descend into murder, mayhem and madness.
Death By: Pneumatic Cattle Bolt – Chigurh steals a police car after escaping jail, and pulls over a motorist on a deserted road – approaching the confused man with his canister and hose.
He presses the hose against the man’s forehead and pushes the valve, sending the pressurised bolt straight through his skull. Unlucky.
If This Was The Real World:
Anticipating hilarity, you rent a helium canister from a party hire company.
Three sheets to the wind, you and your drunk mates take turns breathing the helium and singing popular hits, until you go and open the valve too far - you explode your lungs and die in high-pitched agony.
The Movie: A crew of Vikings led by Rolfe (Richard Widmark) quest to Africa in search of The Mother Of Voices, a legendary bell made of solid gold.
They are captured by Mansuh (Sidney Poitier), King of the Moors, who seeks the bell for himself, and intends to use the Vikings to get it for him.
Death By: The Mare of Steel – Demonstrating his power over his people in front of his Viking captives, Mansuh commands one of his guards to ride the Mare of Steel.
Turns out the Mare of Steel is a 20ft high, 30ft long steel blade, which the guard is dropped onto. He slides down it, being cut neatly in two.
If This Was The Real World: Testing out that new chainsaw you got in the Father’s Day sale at B&Q, you get a bit lively with the throttle and lose control.
Before you know it you’re half the man you used to be.
Next: The Meaning Of Life, Hot Fuzz [page-break]
A series of short skits which attempt to explore the meaning of life through darkly comic means.
Like the TV show Flying Circus, the film also contains a variety of musical numbers and is renowned for it’s gruesome violence – the aim being to ‘offend everyone’.
Death By: Eating - Mr. Creosote (Terry Jones), an impossibly fat man, has eaten an enormous meal after vomiting on himself, the waiter and the cleaner in order to ‘make room’.
Persuaded to eat one last “waffer theen” mint, Creosote explodes, showering the restaurant with human entrails, and causing all the other patrons to throw up...
Okay, a bit of a cheat as Creosote doesn't die on screen, but we bet he doesn't last long after this episode...
If This Was The Real World: Taking part in the Nathan’s World Hot Dog Eating Championships on Coney Island, New York, you overextend yourself a bit and burst your stomach, leading to internal bleeding and death.
The crowd and other contestants start vomiting over each other at the sight of your grisly demise. Because you're the only one that didn't puke, you win the contest on a technicality. Good times.
PC Nick Angel is far too good at his job, so good he’s making all the other cops in London look bad, so they ship him off to sleepy middle England.
On the beat with his half-wit new partner, Angel stumbles upon a series of gruesome accidental deaths, which may not be so accidental after all…
Near-Death By: Church Spire – Tim Messenger (Adam Buxton) is trying to meet with Nick Angel in the churchyard, hopefully to explain exactly what is going on around Sandford.
The killer breaks a spire off the church roof, dropping it on the hapless journalist. It impales Messenger, completely obliterating his head, and he stumbles around a moment before finally collapsing with a splat.
If This Was The Real World: Realising that your life is a complete mess, you decide to find God, and trundle off to the local church to see the vicar.
God has other ideas however, and in an ironic twist, drops a spire on your head. Your missus gets a massive compo payment, and wastes no time spending the lot enjoying life without you.
Next: Freddy's Dead, Hannibal [page-break]
The Movie: It’s 1991 - two years has passed since Freddy’s last sequel and he’s been a busy boy – there is now only one teenager remaining in the town of Springwood.
It also turns out Freddy has a child, one that was taken away from him - and now he’s out to reclaim his offspring … with deadly results.
Death By: Hearing Aid – In Freddy’s dreamworld, hearing impaired Carlos foolishly puts on a hearing aid given to him by Freddy – which fuses to his ear and amplifies the tiniest sound to extreme levels.
Freddy drops pins onto the steel floor, paining Carlos immensely, before delivering the killer blow – running his knife hand across a blackboard, causing Carlos’ head to explode.
If This Was The Real World: Splashing out on a bang tidy pair of Bang & Olufsen headphones, you put on your Dimmu Borgir CD and crank it up to 11.
The sound is so intense you burst your ear drums, and failing to hear the sound of traffic, walk out in front of an oncoming truck. Splat.
The Movie: Ten years after the events of The Silence Of The Lambs , serial-cannibal Hannibal Lecter is still at large and living in Italy.
His only surviving victim, the wealthy Mason Verger, is determined to capture, torture and kill him – and uses his influence to have FBI Agent Clarice Starling once again assigned to Lecter’s case.
Death By: Eating Your Own Brain – After Agent Krendler (Ray Liotta) gets Starling suspended, Lecter turns up at his home, bringing the wounded Starling with him.
She awakens and walks down into the dining room to see Lecter remove the top of the heavily sedated Krendler’s skull, before taking part of his brain, cooking it and feeding it to him.
If This Was The Real World: Deeply concussed after sustaining serious head injuries in a plane crash, you realise you'll need to eat to have any hope of surviving.
You start cooking this soft meat you keep finding around the place, not realising it’s your own little grey cells. There's not a lot of it, but it's damn tasty.
Next: Scream, Repo Man [page-break]
Self-referential post-modern slasher involving a group of horror movie-literate teens, trying to fend of a killer and fellow fan of the genre.
Playing up to the clichés of the stalker/slasher formula, Scream spawned two sequels (a third has been announced) and sold a million Ghost-face masks.
Death By: Garage Door – At a house party Tatum Riley (Rose McGowan) heads off to the garage for more beer. Confronted by the killer, she fights back, trying to escape through the dog-flap in the garage door.
The killer takes his cue and opens the door as she’s half way through, suffocating her before snapping her neck.
If This Was The Real World: Three sheets to the wind and trying to get in your house, you go for the cat-flap in your front door. Managing to get your head in, you become stuck, and choke to death.
Your corpse remains there waiting for the neighbours to wake up and discover you (you never liked them anyway).
Otto (Emilio Estevez) gets a job as a repossession agent, and the thrill of legally stealing cars is enough to make him give up his old punk-rock ways.
With the FBI on the hunt for a mysterious 1964 Chevrolet Malibu, he, and every other repo man in Los Angeles, joins the search.
Death By: Something In The Trunk – In the opening scene, a weird driver (Tracy Walter) gets pulled over by a highway patrolman, who asks to see what’s in the trunk.
The driver hands over the keys, and watches as the trunk opens, engulfs the officer in bright white light, turns him into an x-ray, then disintegrates him, leaving only a pair of smoking boots on the asphalt.
If This Was The Real World: For those of you who’ve had the pleasure of seeing The Hurt Locker , chances are if something in a trunk is going to kill you, it'll be a car bomb. Oh, joy.
Next: The Dark Knight, Seven [page-break]
Batman realises that his presence in Gotham may be causing more harm than good, when wayward loon The Joker appears on the scene.
Determined to clean up Gotham and then pack the suit away for good, Bats helps DA Harvey Dent put away the worst the city has to offer.
Death By: The Pencil Trick – At a meeting of Gotham City’s crime bosses, The Joker arrives to make the mobsters an offer they can’t refuse – but first he wants to show them a trick.
He stabs a pencil into the tabletop and tells them he’ll make it disappear. When one of the hoods tries to tackle him, Joker grabs him by the back of the head and slams him, eye first, onto the protruding pencil. Hey presto.
If This Was The Real World: Bored and driven half insane by the banal repetition of office work, you gather round the rest of the troops before jabbing a pencil through your eye.
You miss, and lodge the 2B in your skull. You get paid sick leave though – bonus!
Detective Somerset (Morgan Freeman) is about to retire, and is asked to show rookie Detective Mills (Brad Pitt) the ropes.
Investigating a grisly homicide, the pair discover a sinister serial killer is at work, using the seven deadly sins as his M.O.
Death By: Strap-On Knife Dildo – The detectives are called to a brothel, where underused character actor Leland Orser is arrested for the murder of a hooker.
According to him, he was forced at gunpoint to wear a strap on dildo -the fake phallus replaced with a large knife - and then engage in intercourse with the prostitute, cutting her to pieces from the inside out… Yikes.
If This Was The Real World: You better have as good an excuse as Leland Orser there, because we doubt the police will believe “she fell on it” as an appropriate explanation.
Next: Robocop, Teeth [page-break]
In a future Detroit, crime runs rampant and police are outnumbered, out gunned and out of luck.
When Officer Alex Murphy is cut down in the line of duty, he is rebuilt with cyborg parts and sent out to clean up the streets as Robocop.
Death By: Toxic Meltdown – Trying to run down Robocop, a goon ends up missing his target and plowing head-on into a vat of toxic waste.
His skin starts to literally melt off his body, and howling in pain, he steps out in front of another car, exploding in a gooey red mess all over the vehicle when it hits him. Nice.
If This Was The Real World: Playing football in a field, you accidently boot the ball onto the roof of a local chemical factory. Unfortunately you fall through the roof and into a VAT of toxic waste.
In a surprise turn of fortune, this totally gives you superpowers of the kick-ass variety, and you live out your days playing for England.
Dawn (Jess Weixler), a strongly religious geek and stranger to her own body, finds herself the object of unwanted male attention.
She discovers a certain advantage over would-be male abusers, however; a set of razor sharp teeth in her lady parts….
Death By: Vagina Dentata – Her trust betrayed by a fellow member of her Christian Pro-Virginity Group, Jess finds herself pinned down and unable to fight back.
The boy gets what he wanted, penetrating her as she begs him to stop, and then – Chomp! – he screams in agony as his deviant member is lopped off, and bleeds to death from his wound. Cringe.
If This Was The Real World: Ever heard of John Wayne Bobbit ? No? Well his missus lopped of his manhood while he slept, after suspecting him of being unfaithful.
Gents, be careful how you use it, cos you might lose it…
Any thoughts? Suitably grossed out? Any we missed? Comments please...
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