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13 greatest enemies that are also round

What is it?

Robots constructed by the iron-fisted Enclave and used presumably for surveillance (“eye”-bot) and for broadcasting the always popular Enclave Radio. They’re into propaganda speeches, historical quotations and recorded messages from Fallout’s absent Commander and Chief, President Eden.

As long as you don’t make any moves against the Enclave, Eyebots will leave you alone, if you consider echoing an endless loop of the same two-min radio segments through the post-apocalyptic wasteland to be leaving you alone. Even so, a couple bullets from just about any weapon will take one out of commission for good, so they’d be fairly unremarkable if they weren’t also fairly spherical.

But could it be rounder?

Antenna and things that look like antenna but must be related to a propulsion system because these satellites freaking float keep the Eyebots functioning, but they also keep them from achieving singular circularity. It’s the classic architectural blunder of putting far too much emphasis on function and neglecting form. In a better Fallout, these Eyebots would be used primarily for kickball and be primarily round.

Runner-up: Eyebot helmet

The also-round Eyebot helmet doesn’t play radio, but you can stick your head in it.

 

What is it?

A black hole is a region of space with a gravitational field so powerful that nothing can escape, not even light. Because it absorbs everything that comes close, they can only be detected through their interaction with other matter.

Except in Geometry Wars, in which they’re detected when they just pop into existence with a sound effect and poof of sparkles. Also, they tend to further reveal their presence by blowing up your ship, but it’s true that nothing escapes them… until they explode into a swarm of fast-moving circles, which has yet to be documented in a real-life black hole, but that doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen.

But could it be rounder?

No, not really. The thing sucks in other shapes and becomes an even bigger circle. Then, when it’s got enough of them, it creates even more tiny circles. Not only are black holes round, but they convert the less utilitarian shapes into useful circles.


Above: See if you can notice the subtle gravitational pull the black hole exerts on its environment

Runner-up: Other shapes

Whatever this shape is called, it doesn’t have any practical applications.

 

What is it?

One of the original eight fighters in Street Fighter II, Blanka has remained one of the most popular fighters, probably because of his roundness. Though not circular while standing, Blanka’s signature rolling attacks earn him a place as one of the roundest warriors of all time. Unfortunately, because of his training as a fighter, he has a supplemental set of punches, kicks and face bites that have nothing to do with circles.


Above: The area enclosed by a circle and the square of its radius are proportional

But could it be rounder?

For the sake of gameplay balancing, no. Nobody would believe an international tournament of underground street fighting generally culminating in a one-on-one fight with a notorious crime lord portrayed in film by Raul Julia could ever actually happen, because nobody would believe that a giant green circle spinning back and forth in the street-ring could ever lose a fight. Blanka was designed to only be able to enter his circular form for a second or two at a time because no other fighter could handle his red-hot rings of rolling, whatever that means.

Runner-up: Rufus

Oval all of the time, circular none of the time. Nice try, Rufus.

77 comments

  • Hendetta - June 8, 2010 5:29 a.m.

    No Ozma from FFIX? He was perfectly round and extremely difficult!
  • oreopizza47 - July 2, 2009 11:32 p.m.

    i squinted and turned myself upside-down, and i'm sorry to say the puff of blood is not round. i'm also sorry for that display of rhyming skills. recaptcha: navarro skeined someone wanna get a dictionary and tell me what in god's name that means?
  • camo510 - April 19, 2009 2:15 a.m.

    wth?!?! wheres Voltorb and his evolvation thing?
  • Dead - April 18, 2009 4:01 a.m.

    Paul Ryan NEEDS to start writing outside of journalism.
  • Spybreak8 - April 16, 2009 9:08 p.m.

    Circles are a design of pure design always looking aesthetically pleasing to the eye. They have point, line, form and shape. Look up the golden ratio for architecture and it will blow your mind.^^ My contribution is kirby should have been here for sure! http://home.btconnect.com/hgi/nintendo-ds/kirby.jpg
  • Bronzus - April 16, 2009 2:30 p.m.

    Congressman Stubbs. THAT IS ALL.
  • jakery22 - April 16, 2009 11:42 a.m.

    awesome article i love circles :D especially teh attack drones sheild from resistance 2 thats pretty round recaptcha: Bile Industry :S
  • BodyDamage - April 15, 2009 7:46 p.m.

    dammit paul ryan, this is hilarious.
  • assassinS17 - April 15, 2009 6:38 p.m.

    I think we should all agree that the boomer isn't a specific shape, but as a "cult" of shapes
  • Ramijiman - April 15, 2009 5 p.m.

    I love this article so much =) Btw i love round thigs too
  • LionheartAce - April 15, 2009 4:13 p.m.

    Bob-omb ftw!
  • Awesomeitude1523 - April 15, 2009 3:33 p.m.

    I am the first guy to suggest that you guys do an article like this, but with squares or triangles. This was just so funny. Great article Also, i am likely the first bum to say I love circles. recaptcha' 1963's midget. okay........
  • TanookiMan - April 15, 2009 3 p.m.

    hehe, jbailboy88 got QED-ed
  • Hobojedi - April 15, 2009 2:19 p.m.

    Hahah, Louis was the runner-up in L4D. Grrrrrrrreat article.
  • solidocelot - April 15, 2009 1:15 p.m.

    i am the first to say goldenme stopped the pattern and it will never be the same
  • Xplosive59 - April 15, 2009 12:41 p.m.

    Is it possible to divide these creatures by PI?
  • pimlicosound - April 15, 2009 12:40 p.m.

    What about Halo? The titular object is both round and very big (bonus points, surely). What about the Milky Way in Mass Effect? Probably the biggest circle in gaming, and it's composed of billions of smaller circles.
  • iKOemos - April 15, 2009 8:51 a.m.

    @jacob816: C-C-C-Combo Breaker!!! You broke the first streak!
  • PopePhred - April 15, 2009 8:36 a.m.

    What about Evil Otto from Bezerk? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Berzerk
  • C-C-C-C-ComboCro - April 15, 2009 7:38 a.m.

    Paul Ryan, you are simply to big a genius for these interwebz. please show us the way to achieving our perfectly circular evolution!

Showing 1-20 of 77 comments

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