12 Things Would Get You For Christmas

Hi, we’ve never met, but we like you. Seriously, you’re brilliant. We genuinely wish we were actual friends with you in the real world and everything.

Because if we were, we’d get to see your little face light up when you unwrapped the following presents. If we knew you, this is what you'd get for Christmas.

Wolverine Transformer
Yep, you read that right. A Transformer that turns into Wolverine actually exists. We love this world.

We’re not sure why he’s a rally truck and not a Wolverine, but we don’t care enough not to buy it for you. It’s a Transformer that turns into a Wolverine. That’s two of the best things ever made, in one thing.

Why you’d like it : Because if you don’t, then that means you don’t like Wolverine or Transformers and we’re not sure if we understand that concept.

Buy it for yourself at Play

Wall-E Transforming Toy
Okay, so it’s not an actual Transformer like Wolverine, but he does turn into a box, which makes him okay by us.

Why you’d like it : Because you’ll be able to stage elaborate scraps between a Wall-E Transformer and Wolverine Transformer. Which is better, a box or a truck? There’s only one way to find out... fight!

Buy it for yourself at John Lewis

LEGO Death star
It’s a bloody LEGO Death Star. Life doesn’t get much better than this.

Why you’d like it: Because you get to build a Death Star out of LEGO. And if you can’t be arsed to finish it, it doesn’t matter – it’s the one from Return Of The Jedi, which was only partially constructed in the first place! You can have fun /and/ be lazy!

Buy it for yourself at Amazon

Kota The Triceratops Dinosaur
Okay, we lied – life does get better than a LEGO Death Star. Especially when you’re RIDING ON THE BACK OF A DINOSAUR. This is the kind of thing that happens to our friends.

Why you’d like it: Because it’s as close as you’ll get to being in Jurassic Park, which is where we’ve lived in our heads since 1993.

Buy it for yourself at Amazon

Plush Zombie

It’s a zombie cuddly toy that you can tear apart and put back together again whilst muttering the entire Return Of The Living Dead script under your breath.

Why you’d like it: We think that zombies are the kings of movie monsters and we’ll take any opportunity to re-enact our favourite zombie movies, even on Christmas day. Join. Us.

Buy it for yourself at Think Geek

Jessica Biel Photograph

So, you’re halfway through opening our presents to you.

You’re riding on a back of a giant dinosaur having built a LEGO Death Star that has just come under attack from a Transformer Wolverine, his new mate Wall-E (we knew they couldn’t stay angry at each other for long) and a giant cuddly zombie.

But there’s something missing…what we possibly give you at this point to make Christmas even more brilliant? Of course! A picture of Jessica Biel!

Why you’d like it: Because she really is pretty.

Buy it for yourself at Amazon


Korg Kaossilator
Pretty much the most awesome thing we bought this year, the Kaosillator is essentially a Casio keyboard in touchpad form, and almost every song you record on it sounds like it was created on John Carpenter’s synth.

Why you’d like it: If we had our way, John Carpenter would be the sole score composer working in Hollywood today.

Sure, movie release dates would start to get further and further apart, but that’s a small price to pay for awe-inspiring soundtracks. This is the next best thing.

Buy it for yourself at Think Geek

Marvel Civil War – HC
It’s never going to be made into a film – the plot’s so epic it’d require the budget of two Titanics – but Marvel’s Civil War event stars every member of the Marvel family –  including Wolverine, Iron Man, Spider-Man and The Punisher – having a massive scrap. It’s what Christmas is all about.

Why you’d like it: If you’re a regular visitor to, you’ll know we like our comic-book movies. And Marvel Civil War is the comic-book movie we want to see most.

Buy it for yourself at Forbidden Planet

The Joker Deluxe 13" Collector's Figure
Still on the comic-book theme, your stocking wouldn’t be complete without this brilliant Joker figure. It’s bloody massive.

Why you’d like it: Like us, you realise that the Joker was the greatest movie character of 2008 and you like to celebrate that fact by saying his lines in a weird voice whilst waggling a large action figure.

Buy it for yourself at Play

Jason Statham Mug
It’s a mug with loads of pictures of Jason Statham on it. Mum, if you’re reading this, we want one.

Why you’d like it:
If you're a regular reader of, you'll be aware that we've been unashamed Jason Statham fans for quite a while now and, according to the ebay listing, the Jason Statham mug would especially appeal to Jason Statham fans. Which is a bit like saying Twilight would especially appeal to teenage girls but still, we want one, and we're sure you do too.

Buy it for yourself at ebay

The Wire – Complete Boxset
So close to the movies we expect someone to try and sell us popcorn during the ad breaks – this is as good as DVD boxsets get.

Why you’d like it: You’re a fan of complex mediations on the moral decay inherent within modern America. Also, you like guns, boobies and swearing.

Buy it for yourself at Play

Steven Seagal – Mojo Priest
It’s an album by Steven Seagal. We’re almost certain that if you could only choose one present on this list that one would be this one.

Why you’d like it: It includes the hits ‘Alligator Ass’, ‘Hoochie Coochie Man’ and ‘Talk To My Ass’. We promise we haven’t made any of those titles up.

Buy it for yourself at Play

Now we’ve give you a load of imaginary presents, now it’s your turn – what would you buy for us? Tell us below!


Total Film


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