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11 badass game characters who should be wimps

Pikachu

Being a surprising badass in: Pokémon

Let’s just take a second here so we can all comprehend the full extent of Pikachu’s ruthless badass status. He (it’s totally a dude, right?) is nothing but a glorified yellow rodent, yet somehow, it can take down this big bastard…


Above: That’ll be Gyarados to you Mr. ‘I’m so superior
‘cause I don’t speak Pokémon’

Horrendously upbeat attitude and worryingly tender relationship with trainer Ash Ketchum aside, we’ve got to give old rosy-cheeked rat face some serious badass kudos.

The wimpy version

Several thousand volts of electricity running through his cute cartoon veins or not, Pokémon’s premier mascot should be a pathetic, weedy bystander. Not only a fraction of the size of most of the creatures he’s unethically forced to scrap against (remember kids, Poké battles are the closest thing you’ll ever see to cock fighting on your DS), his battle cry also sounds like a prolonged sneeze. And let’s not forget everyone’s favourite electric type is clearly unwell. After all, those iris-burningly bright red cheeks simply can’t be healthy.


Above: We’d say Pikachu has got weeks to live judging by this

Chai

Being a surprising badass in: Shenmue

A devoted, and almost entirely psychotic, disciple of Lan Di, Chai really isn’t much to look at. Scrawny, dishevelled and rocking that malnourished Gollum look; the geriatric martial arts master looks like a strong breeze would floor him, let alone a roundhouse kick. But despite his meagre frame, he’s still damn near unbeatable when Ryo first fights him in an arcade. Displaying an array of graceful, beguiling fighting moves that would shame Mister Miyagi, Chai is simply not to be messed with.

The wimpy version

Before Chai could even consider entering into a fight with a well-trained warrior several decades younger than him, he’d need years worth of good meals force fed to him retrospectively. But even if he had been given a rigorous bulk-building scheme, there’s no way his tired old frame could withstand the bone-shattering moves he pulls off. No, the wimpy version that should grace Sega’s masterpiece would be holed up in a nursing home, watching Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, while reminiscing about the good old days when he still had his original hip.


Ecco

Being a surprising badass in: Ecco the Dolphin

If wildlife docs, Simpsons Halloween episodes and Flipper have taught us anything, it’s that dolphins are the clowns of the sea. They’ll come to the aid of poor swimmers, tickle our funny muscles with their zany antics at Sea World and generally entertain the entire undersea community. But not Ecco. Oh no, in between saving the world from pollution and aliens, he regularly takes on and bests sharks. Including a specimen that makes Jaws look like a tadpole. Proving without a shadow of doubt that Ecco is one badass marine mammal and unquestionably harder than any of Robert Shaw, Richard Dreyfuss or Roy Scheider.

The wimpy version

Screw saving the planet and shark-scrapping heroics committed in the name of environmentalism. Sega’s green-thinking star should be delighting elderly bathers with his disarming gentleness or possibly getting stuck in a net on the way to becoming a particularly tasty, if morally reprehensible soup. If Ecco were to really fight a 30 foot Great White the results would earn both his game a mature rating and see his eco adventures end after ten minutes.


Above: You just can't beat a bit of 16-bit dolphin broth

Jan 6, 2010



Gaming’s least hard hard-men
They look tough, but they're really polygonal pansies



Disabled but deadly
They may have lost limbs, but they'll murder you dead



Useless game heroes who couldn’t save the girl
And they lived happily ever aft… oh, she’s dead

34 comments

  • wkdtkd - January 11, 2010 1:09 p.m.

    I LOVE all the games on pg 3! :D
  • Straz - January 11, 2010 9:57 a.m.

    This article is ridiculous. Totally fictional characters set within totally fictional unrealistic settings are able to do things which are UNEXPECTED?!!! Absurd. Too lazy to properly criticize this article.
  • venomman01 - January 10, 2010 8:59 p.m.

    vault wanderer. Period. Since when can a 19 year old kill hundreds of super mutants heavily armored super soldiers with a hunting rifle? (p.s my character is a girl)
  • PreyingMantis - January 10, 2010 2:42 a.m.

    dicks
  • t3rry747 - January 9, 2010 3:24 a.m.

    really no issac clarke?
  • TDogg186 - January 8, 2010 11:32 a.m.

    I speak for my self when i say im not that into raising American flags; the union jack is much better.
  • alienkid771 - January 7, 2010 10:41 p.m.

    how can u make a list about badass characters who should be wimps and not include sora from kingdom hearts? the best game series of all time! sure he had a little experience from sparring with his friends on destiny islands but he still didnt have the skill to become an hero.
  • badgerfan993 - January 7, 2010 9:52 p.m.

    What!?! Link?!? He is the chosen one, that's why he is complete BAMF!
  • Xeacons - January 7, 2010 6:24 p.m.

    Ha! I see your envy, GR! Geeks can't be asskickers? Or is this because you used shove their heads in the locker room toilets, and now they're multi-billion dollar executives, after attending college on their military scholarship? Shaking in your boots if you ever meet them on the street again? Retribution is coming!
  • PBDB - January 7, 2010 5:01 p.m.

    Bias! Putting a plumber that isn't mario on this list is nothing short of Gamesradar hating the Wii! lol jk Also, did not see the pikachu coming.
  • Cwf2008 - January 7, 2010 4:38 a.m.

    I think the sad part is dolphin soup really exists =(
  • CalvinEstler - January 7, 2010 4:02 a.m.

    let's all be honest. pikachu never stood a chance. the only reason he won all the time was because he was the main character's pet and the developers needed to put some moral lesson in an animal cruelty spectacle.
  • sirpsychosexy - January 7, 2010 3:47 a.m.

    god freedom fighters was such a good game! i'ma go play that right now
  • Cyberninja - January 7, 2010 1:53 a.m.

    well link would still win if he fought ganon if he used crossword puzzles he would bore ganon and then stab him in the head with a sword again
  • redmight - January 7, 2010 1:03 a.m.

    Wow link just got my respect after realizing that he survived the nagging of navi and weirdness of tingle but pikachu is overrated since in the show hes just for show and no action and I give a salute to the nerds in games that became badasses(salutes) and you to GR for a good article
  • Metroidhunter32 - January 7, 2010 12:50 a.m.

    Link surprised me. And no Samus who should be wimpy on the grounds that she's a chick? For shame. (I'm not sexist at all, look at my username and avatar for proof)
  • GameManiac - January 7, 2010 12:32 a.m.

    Besides that one guy in half-life, I didn't know ANY of these characters. It wasn't until the last 2 pages where it showed Link and Pikachu when I finally got interested in this article. Massive LOL on the Family Guy bit with the Pikachu part, as well as that crossword thing with Link. Rudolf was such a dumbass! I almost passed out from laughter when the doctor finally said "YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!!" in frustration. XD
  • Silvermech - January 7, 2010 12:31 a.m.

    I will save the tri-force with my crossword shinobi training!

Showing 1-20 of 34 comments

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