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11 badass game characters who should be wimps

Ramon Salazar

Being a surprising badass in: Resident Evil 4

He might have the body of a ridiculous man child and the face of a crotchety old pensioner, but Resi 4’s tiny castle owner is quite the badass. Protected by two horrifying demon bodyguards who gladly carry out his every murderous whim, Salazar is one of the most senior members of the Los Illuminados cult. With such lofty power the little man has control over all manner of terrifying beasties, who have such a fearful respect for him they even erected a massive 100 foot statue of their maniacal midget overlord.

The wimpy version

Thanks to his pasty, parasite-riddled body, Salazar should really be on death’s door. If Resi had plumped for a realistic depiction of a disease-ridden, infirm 20 year old man who looks like your great granddad, then Salazar would have spent the entire game hooked up to an IV. Granted, fighting a feeble invalid probably wouldn’t have been quite as exciting as battling the two-story tall abomination that Salazar morphs into.


Yusuf Amir

Being a surprising badass in: Grand Theft Auto IV: The Ballad of Gay Tony

Not that we regularly mingle in the same caviar-chewing social circles as your average billionaire property magnate, but we imagine most don’t go around murdering the Russian mob in attack helicopters. An Emirate oligarch obsessed with getting all his possessions gold-plated (from Uzis to sports cars), the wannabe gangster would rather steal armoured assault vehicles than finalise building planning. He single-handedly saves main character Luis, too. Coming to his aid and escorting him during heated shootouts in the game’s final mission.

The wimpy version

Seeing as he’s trying to buy most of Liberty City, we’d expect a more grounded and wimpy version of Yusuf would keep a semi low profile. So that probably rules out airlifting stolen train carriages and blowing up cruise ships, then. Amir is also overweight and cradling some serious daddy issues, meaning a non badass version of Yusuf would probably be eating cheeseburgers in therapy rather than getting his sexy on with $1000 whores.


Link

Being a surprising badass in: The Legend of Zelda series

An adolescent elf who has no quarrels wearing a pair of jammies outside, Link’s decidedly wimpy wardrobe hasn’t stopped the pint-sized hero rescuing Hyrule time and again. And how does he vanquish evil that frequently takes the form of giant monsters/mask-stealing youths/sword-wielding sociopaths you ask? Magical powers? Laser beams that shoot out of his eyes? Thunderbolts that fire out of his ass? Nah, try nothing but a dinky little sword and poorly made wooden shield. We call major badassery on that shit.

The wimpy version

We love Link and all (hell, anyone who can put up with the combined dickish force that is terrifying tag-team of Tingle and Navi deserves respect). Seriously, though, the little fella should be an all conquering wimp. Diminutive, good with puzzles, a keen collector of trinkets; hardly a list of qualities to fill any would be evil doer with crotch-messing fear. Really, the true wimped up version of Link we should see would be more suited to solving crosswords than smacking Ganon down.


Above: Link has some badass crossword ninjutsu going on

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34 comments

  • wkdtkd - January 11, 2010 1:09 p.m.

    I LOVE all the games on pg 3! :D
  • Straz - January 11, 2010 9:57 a.m.

    This article is ridiculous. Totally fictional characters set within totally fictional unrealistic settings are able to do things which are UNEXPECTED?!!! Absurd. Too lazy to properly criticize this article.
  • venomman01 - January 10, 2010 8:59 p.m.

    vault wanderer. Period. Since when can a 19 year old kill hundreds of super mutants heavily armored super soldiers with a hunting rifle? (p.s my character is a girl)
  • PreyingMantis - January 10, 2010 2:42 a.m.

    dicks
  • t3rry747 - January 9, 2010 3:24 a.m.

    really no issac clarke?
  • TDogg186 - January 8, 2010 11:32 a.m.

    I speak for my self when i say im not that into raising American flags; the union jack is much better.
  • alienkid771 - January 7, 2010 10:41 p.m.

    how can u make a list about badass characters who should be wimps and not include sora from kingdom hearts? the best game series of all time! sure he had a little experience from sparring with his friends on destiny islands but he still didnt have the skill to become an hero.
  • badgerfan993 - January 7, 2010 9:52 p.m.

    What!?! Link?!? He is the chosen one, that's why he is complete BAMF!
  • Xeacons - January 7, 2010 6:24 p.m.

    Ha! I see your envy, GR! Geeks can't be asskickers? Or is this because you used shove their heads in the locker room toilets, and now they're multi-billion dollar executives, after attending college on their military scholarship? Shaking in your boots if you ever meet them on the street again? Retribution is coming!
  • PBDB - January 7, 2010 5:01 p.m.

    Bias! Putting a plumber that isn't mario on this list is nothing short of Gamesradar hating the Wii! lol jk Also, did not see the pikachu coming.
  • Cwf2008 - January 7, 2010 4:38 a.m.

    I think the sad part is dolphin soup really exists =(
  • CalvinEstler - January 7, 2010 4:02 a.m.

    let's all be honest. pikachu never stood a chance. the only reason he won all the time was because he was the main character's pet and the developers needed to put some moral lesson in an animal cruelty spectacle.
  • sirpsychosexy - January 7, 2010 3:47 a.m.

    god freedom fighters was such a good game! i'ma go play that right now
  • Cyberninja - January 7, 2010 1:53 a.m.

    well link would still win if he fought ganon if he used crossword puzzles he would bore ganon and then stab him in the head with a sword again
  • redmight - January 7, 2010 1:03 a.m.

    Wow link just got my respect after realizing that he survived the nagging of navi and weirdness of tingle but pikachu is overrated since in the show hes just for show and no action and I give a salute to the nerds in games that became badasses(salutes) and you to GR for a good article
  • Metroidhunter32 - January 7, 2010 12:50 a.m.

    Link surprised me. And no Samus who should be wimpy on the grounds that she's a chick? For shame. (I'm not sexist at all, look at my username and avatar for proof)
  • GameManiac - January 7, 2010 12:32 a.m.

    Besides that one guy in half-life, I didn't know ANY of these characters. It wasn't until the last 2 pages where it showed Link and Pikachu when I finally got interested in this article. Massive LOL on the Family Guy bit with the Pikachu part, as well as that crossword thing with Link. Rudolf was such a dumbass! I almost passed out from laughter when the doctor finally said "YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!!" in frustration. XD
  • Silvermech - January 7, 2010 12:31 a.m.

    I will save the tri-force with my crossword shinobi training!

Showing 1-20 of 34 comments

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