Being a surprising badass in: Uncharted series
A TV journalist who rocks a tight-fitting tanktop better than any other hack we care to think of, Elena is one of gaming’s strongest female leads. Assured and intelligent, she’s not only a perfect romantic foil for Nathan Drake, she’s also a crack shot. As comfortable handling a 45 caliber pistol as she is fact-checking stories, she’s the ultimate badass roving reporter. And here we were thinking all journos were like us: handless with everything but a pad and afraid of natural sunlight.
The wimpy version
Elena’s Terminator-aping shot accuracy is great and all, but it’s not exactly über believable. C’mon, she’s an untrained civilian thrown into some of the most hostile environments on Earth and yet she comes across as a mix of Dolph Lundgren and Arnie. Alright, so she might not be pumped full of quite so many steroids. But really, Elena should bite it during Uncharted’s first firefight. And if she was lucky enough to survive, she’d turn tail back to her network and spend the rest of her career reporting on 'fascinating' local news.
Above: Finding ancient artefacts, covering crisp-based news; it's all good
Being a surprising badass in: ICO
Man, they really know how to raise kids with a special brand of badass, horn-sprouting heroism in Team ICO’s enchanting adventure. He might be a scrawny 10 year old, but that doesn’t stop the cursed sprog acting as a personal demon-slaying bodyguard to Princess Yorda. If rescuing the girl from a daunting cliffside castle wasn’t impressive enough, Ico also manages to banish the forces of evil with nothing but a plank of wood.
The wimpy version
Most kids are afraid of the shadows they see at the end of the bed, let alone actual shadow monsters that are obsessed with kidnapping adolescent girls. Ico’s weedy little stick arms couldn’t knock over a pack of cards, never mind pack enough force to lay a spiritual smackdown on a monster with a wooden 2x4. If ICO had really told a true wimpy account of the adventure, we’d have seen the little guy scrape his knee in the first five minutes, then spend the next ten hours sobbing while sucking on his thumb.
Above: ICO really should have a timeout option
Being a surprising badass in: Fahrenheit/The Indigo Prophecy
Contrary to what Fahrenheit head honcho David Cage seems to think, being an IT Manager is dull as shit. Spreadsheets, tinkering with motherboards, installing a new version of Photoshop for that douche down in sales; it’s not the most exciting life. Well, not unless your name’s Lucas Kane and you work at Naser and Jones Bank. Then it’s all running from giant imaginary bugs, coming back from the dead and getting off with a smoking hot cop. Honestly, if we had Lucas’ abilities, which include moving at super speed and the power of flight, our P45s/pink slips couldn’t hit our desks quickly enough.
The wimpy version
Not that we’ve checked recently, but the last time we looked at the members of our IT department, they weren’t all messiah figures who partake in ridiculous Dragon Ball Z fights against telekinetic baddies. Hell, Lucas even takes that long journey to the pearly gates before doing a Jesus and returning to save humanity from an evil supercomputer. If the game had been faithful to his wimpyness we suspect Fahrenheit would have turned into this…
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