11 badass game characters who should be wimps

Elena Fisher

Being a surprising badass in: Uncharted series

A TV journalist who rocks a tight-fitting tanktop better than any other hack we care to think of, Elena is one of gaming’s strongest female leads. Assured and intelligent, she’s not only a perfect romantic foil for Nathan Drake, she’s also a crack shot. As comfortable handling a 45 caliber pistol as she is fact-checking stories, she’s the ultimate badass roving reporter. And here we were thinking all journos were like us: handless with everything but a pad and afraid of natural sunlight.

The wimpy version

Elena’s Terminator-aping shot accuracy is great and all, but it’s not exactly über believable. C’mon, she’s an untrained civilian thrown into some of the most hostile environments on Earth and yet she comes across as a mix of Dolph Lundgren and Arnie. Alright, so she might not be pumped full of quite so many steroids. But really, Elena should bite it during Uncharted’s first firefight. And if she was lucky enough to survive, she’d turn tail back to her network and spend the rest of her career reporting on 'fascinating' local news.

Above: Finding ancient artefacts, covering crisp-based news; it's all good


Being a surprising badass in: ICO

Man, they really know how to raise kids with a special brand of badass, horn-sprouting heroism in Team ICO’s enchanting adventure. He might be a scrawny 10 year old, but that doesn’t stop the cursed sprog acting as a personal demon-slaying bodyguard to Princess Yorda. If rescuing the girl from a daunting cliffside castle wasn’t impressive enough, Ico also manages to banish the forces of evil with nothing but a plank of wood.

The wimpy version

Most kids are afraid of the shadows they see at the end of the bed, let alone actual shadow monsters that are obsessed with kidnapping adolescent girls. Ico’s weedy little stick arms couldn’t knock over a pack of cards, never mind pack enough force to lay a spiritual smackdown on a monster with a wooden 2x4. If ICO had really told a true wimpy account of the adventure, we’d have seen the little guy scrape his knee in the first five minutes, then spend the next ten hours sobbing while sucking on his thumb.

Above: ICO really should have a timeout option

Lucas Kane

Being a surprising badass in: Fahrenheit/The Indigo Prophecy

Contrary to what Fahrenheit head honcho David Cage seems to think, being an IT Manager is dull as shit. Spreadsheets, tinkering with motherboards, installing a new version of Photoshop for that douche down in sales; it’s not the most exciting life. Well, not unless your name’s Lucas Kane and you work at Naser and Jones Bank. Then it’s all running from giant imaginary bugs, coming back from the dead and getting off with a smoking hot cop. Honestly, if we had Lucas’ abilities, which include moving at super speed and the power of flight, our P45s/pink slips couldn’t hit our desks quickly enough.

The wimpy version

Not that we’ve checked recently, but the last time we looked at the members of our IT department, they weren’t all messiah figures who partake in ridiculous Dragon Ball Z fights against telekinetic baddies. Hell, Lucas even takes that long journey to the pearly gates before doing a Jesus and returning to save humanity from an evil supercomputer. If the game had been faithful to his wimpyness we suspect Fahrenheit would have turned into this…


  • wkdtkd - January 11, 2010 1:09 p.m.

    I LOVE all the games on pg 3! :D
  • Straz - January 11, 2010 9:57 a.m.

    This article is ridiculous. Totally fictional characters set within totally fictional unrealistic settings are able to do things which are UNEXPECTED?!!! Absurd. Too lazy to properly criticize this article.
  • venomman01 - January 10, 2010 8:59 p.m.

    vault wanderer. Period. Since when can a 19 year old kill hundreds of super mutants heavily armored super soldiers with a hunting rifle? (p.s my character is a girl)
  • PreyingMantis - January 10, 2010 2:42 a.m.

  • t3rry747 - January 9, 2010 3:24 a.m.

    really no issac clarke?
  • TDogg186 - January 8, 2010 11:32 a.m.

    I speak for my self when i say im not that into raising American flags; the union jack is much better.
  • alienkid771 - January 7, 2010 10:41 p.m.

    how can u make a list about badass characters who should be wimps and not include sora from kingdom hearts? the best game series of all time! sure he had a little experience from sparring with his friends on destiny islands but he still didnt have the skill to become an hero.
  • badgerfan993 - January 7, 2010 9:52 p.m.

    What!?! Link?!? He is the chosen one, that's why he is complete BAMF!
  • Xeacons - January 7, 2010 6:24 p.m.

    Ha! I see your envy, GR! Geeks can't be asskickers? Or is this because you used shove their heads in the locker room toilets, and now they're multi-billion dollar executives, after attending college on their military scholarship? Shaking in your boots if you ever meet them on the street again? Retribution is coming!
  • PBDB - January 7, 2010 5:01 p.m.

    Bias! Putting a plumber that isn't mario on this list is nothing short of Gamesradar hating the Wii! lol jk Also, did not see the pikachu coming.
  • Cwf2008 - January 7, 2010 4:38 a.m.

    I think the sad part is dolphin soup really exists =(
  • CalvinEstler - January 7, 2010 4:02 a.m.

    let's all be honest. pikachu never stood a chance. the only reason he won all the time was because he was the main character's pet and the developers needed to put some moral lesson in an animal cruelty spectacle.
  • sirpsychosexy - January 7, 2010 3:47 a.m.

    god freedom fighters was such a good game! i'ma go play that right now
  • Cyberninja - January 7, 2010 1:53 a.m.

    well link would still win if he fought ganon if he used crossword puzzles he would bore ganon and then stab him in the head with a sword again
  • redmight - January 7, 2010 1:03 a.m.

    Wow link just got my respect after realizing that he survived the nagging of navi and weirdness of tingle but pikachu is overrated since in the show hes just for show and no action and I give a salute to the nerds in games that became badasses(salutes) and you to GR for a good article
  • Metroidhunter32 - January 7, 2010 12:50 a.m.

    Link surprised me. And no Samus who should be wimpy on the grounds that she's a chick? For shame. (I'm not sexist at all, look at my username and avatar for proof)
  • GameManiac - January 7, 2010 12:32 a.m.

    Besides that one guy in half-life, I didn't know ANY of these characters. It wasn't until the last 2 pages where it showed Link and Pikachu when I finally got interested in this article. Massive LOL on the Family Guy bit with the Pikachu part, as well as that crossword thing with Link. Rudolf was such a dumbass! I almost passed out from laughter when the doctor finally said "YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!!" in frustration. XD
  • Silvermech - January 7, 2010 12:31 a.m.

    I will save the tri-force with my crossword shinobi training!

Showing 1-20 of 34 comments

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