101 things we've learned from videogames

42. As long as you are wearing at least one ring you will never die.

43. Pulling out a weapon makes you see a + sign wherever you look.

44. Running from side to side or backwards is just as easy and quick as running forwards.

45. Never trust a giant monkey wearing a tie.

46. Graveyard zombies are predatory homosexuals, who’ll strip you down to your Y-fronts.

47. Bus-loads of people will turn up to a mostly empty field to see a man in a hippo costume stand next to a mail box.

48. Fat people are always evil. If not from the beginning, they will betray you eventually.

49. You can only use a pair of skis once and the only shop selling them at resorts is invariably on the other side of a busy motorway with no visible means of a pedestrian thoroughfare.

50. Not only is it perfectly normal for animals to talk, but their default attitude is “sassy”.

51. Modern tank warfare will be replaced in the future by building a very large number of tanks on the battlefield itself, then attacking the enemy’s strongest point head-on with hundreds of them at once.

52. You know when you have won a fight when your opponent stands still, waiting for you to decapitate him.

53. Prostitutes will judge you on the fanciness of your car and give you 25% bonus health post-sex. This is only in the pre-AIDS ’80s. In 2008, you will be tsk-ed at by an Eastern European, which makes you feel sick and guilty, even though you’ve been stabbing people all day.

54. Karate and driving can both be learned in minutes simply by repeating sequential dance routines as requested by cartoon animals.

55. Wearing a pair of white gloves to work every day may seem an unwise choice if your chosen career is plumbing, but, in reality, you will never have to dirty your pristine mitts by fishing a swollen, fetid tampon from a shit-clogged outflow pipe.

56. The bodies of your murdered victims will fade and disappear if you wait for a few seconds.

57. Explosives are not stored, as you might expect, in secure containers in controlled environments, but in barrels that are littered around combat zones at random. Highly-trained evil soldiers are quite happy to engage in sustained fire-fights while standing next to them.

58. Doing athletics really hurts your wrist after a while.

59. You can’t ever trip, even when running backwards as fast as you can while firing a shotgun.

60. World War II infantry jargon included such phrases as “lol”, “n00b” and “OMG HaXXoR!!11!” Modern counter-terrorist SWAT teams use the same phrases.

61. People wink out of existence when you’re not there to see them.


  • AtoMixxer - June 26, 2011 11:29 a.m.

    Great guide.
  • Shforteenteen14 - June 24, 2011 4:02 p.m.

    If you squint your eyes just right, your vision will acually zoom forward as though you were using a sniper scope.
  • ShadowBroker23 - June 28, 2011 12:59 p.m.

    I disagree, L4D1 on the PC let you see you feet... floating an inch away from the ledge of a building
  • Bobishungry - June 24, 2011 12:41 p.m.

    I feel like this list could go on forever if they really tried.
  • dex477 - April 4, 2010 3:02 a.m.

    #102: If a person of the opposite sex looks at you for more than 1 second without saying anything during a cutscene, they are going to fall in love with you. And you will subsequently fall in love with them.
  • akairue - February 4, 2010 6:20 p.m.

    everyone here's has good add-on for this article. all I just wanna say is : "don't worry to do some mistakes. you can simply load your game." but, don't try this at home (at your life, exactly) "don't try to load your life when you do some mistakes. because you'll never found a save point in your life." :P
  • akairue - February 4, 2010 5:52 p.m.

    nice list. LOL by the way, am I the 101st comment in this "101 things" ? LOL
  • Morethan3words - February 3, 2010 6:46 p.m.

    Also: the difference between perfect health and death can be put on a scale from 100 to 0. And, based on that scale, you know exactly how much closer to death you are regardless of what kind of damage you take or where on your body it occurs.
  • pat5556 - January 29, 2010 12:57 a.m.

    also: Getting shot a few times will not affect you badly, however you die instantly from a knife wound. You can resupply by picking up small bags from the corpses of your enemies, even if they werent carrying the same ammo as you. Modern security cameras are detailed enough to construct a 3d model of a bullet casing and trace it to a specific gun, but are unable to see faces clearly. The nuclear missle is the cause of and solution to all of the Earth's problems. Firing a sniper rifle from the hip has a bigger spread than a shotgun, however aiming down a scope increases this accuracy by 500%.
  • pat5556 - January 29, 2010 12:48 a.m.

    I totaly agree with everything on this list ^_^. Yesterday, i shot myself in the foot with my rifle (since i couldnt see it) and after a few seconds, the pain went away and my foot was as good as new!
  • Smalltownredemption - December 11, 2008 12:06 a.m.

    "55. Wearing a pair of white gloves to work every day may seem an unwise choice if your chosen career is plumbing, but, in reality, you will never have to dirty your pristine mitts by fishing a swollen, fetid tampon from a shit-clogged outflow pipe." - Priceless. Totally priceless.
  • DarthKyoKai - December 9, 2008 5:58 a.m.

    one they need to add; "you can find magical potions and money by cutting grass and breaking rocks."
  • Ranger6667 - December 7, 2008 6:43 a.m.

    You forgot "If you've been mortally wounded, bleeding out, and dying on the ground. All it takes is some positive re-inforcement from a buddy to revive you."
  • BuRN_iN_MY_MiND - December 7, 2008 4:09 a.m.

    bosses always have a 3 move attack strategy which when performed leaves them vunerable to counter attack for prolonged periods of time... so they do it slightly faster. when killed, bosses usually drop a weapon or ability that is the following bosses only weakness. your allies are invincible but despite this, send you to do all the hard stuff whilst they contemplate killing the occasional enemy. run just out of reach of the police for long enough and they'll completely forget why they were chasing you. despite usually being naked, all species of alien have no reproductive organs. t-bagging is the most effective way to hurt someone emotionally.
  • ShipsMaid - December 5, 2008 2:35 p.m.

    I like the Dizzy reference ;) Buccaneer comes out on Valve today
  • Youreverydaygamer - December 2, 2008 2:06 a.m.

    Loved that article, but you forget the whole "Enemies are impervious to world ending natural disasters while you were across the galaxy saving some computerized bitch, but when you come back they're all dandy and ready to piss you off in 3 games" :)
  • shadow985 - December 2, 2008 12:57 a.m.

    i forgot one lol 116. the ignore button is around for one reason... to use on the 7 year old boy that talks like mikey mouse and has the voice changer to +5 while playing the chicken dance song in the backround screaming his own words to it as his older brother attemps to play the trumpet in his ear(gasps for air)and their mom has her loud mouth friend over to watch lifetime in the next room...this has happened before
  • shadow985 - December 2, 2008 12:46 a.m.

    102. the computer doesnt mind not killing you while you take a pee if you press start. 103. or no matter how many times you shoot someone online it only takes one shot in the leg to kill you. 104. cops will completely ignore a terorist attack happining right behind them but when you walk across the street when the pretty red hand stops blinking the army comes after you. 105. you can run, jump, swim, and play basketball with a minigun but you cant aim it any higher than waist level. 106. a magical floating pill can slow the world down and turn you into superman. 107. cell phones can hold numbers, text messages, pictures, and cheat codes. 108. people in hospital waiting rooms dont have health care so its ok to kill them 109. open dumpsters are the new coffins (if you played hitman you get that one) 110. beating a song on expert 100% is equivalent to a 3 year old singing the ABC's. 111. Cheetoes are part of the atkins diet for gamers 112. why quest for hours on end for money when you could just magicly make an infinate number of valuables pop up in front of you just bly clicking a scroll twice 113. when you play a pc game you can walk on air by typing god mode 114. you can make friends that you will never meet just by saying hi 115. video game chat rooms are sausage fests
  • jimmyjames5 - December 1, 2008 9 p.m.

    103 you can allways just lode your game if you die
  • comediac - December 1, 2008 8:24 p.m.

    they forgot: if you die in the wilderness, you will soon be standing in the nearest town and noone will question how you got there

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