101 things we've learned from videogames

The wisdom of our favorite pastime, applied to real life

83. You can lead a fulfilling and adventurous life, and keep several friends, without ever opening your mouth.

84. You can shoot open a padlock, but locks on wooden doors only ever leave a dent.

85. It is possible to carry an infinite amount of items, including a full sunday roast spread, for no adequately explored reason, without impeding either your speed or clothing.

86. “Sho-ryu-ken!” is the best opening line to start a punch-up in a pub.

87. Conversation is easy! Just think of two or three possible responses, and pick the one you think will lead to the greatest reward.

88. Firing a rocket launcher straight into the floor is an excellent idea, and will get you cool stuff, provided you jump into the air as you do it.

89. Women who are experienced mercenaries and can carry multiple heavy weapons do not look like Bulgarian discus throwers, but are lithe, slim, and have very large breasts.

90. The world is packed with unexplored ruins, most of which are packed to the rafters with treasure. Despite this, no one has yet bothered to explore them.

91. The owners of theme parks/zoos/hospitals are able to pick up visitors to their attractions with a giant grapple, and drown them in lakes without penalty.

92. Being shot in the face is only a minor inconvenience, but going into an area you are not supposed to will result in instant death.

93. Nazis/Alien Invaders/Evil Megacorps are always leaving medical supplies around for their opponents to heal themselves with. Their own soldiers are under strict instruction not to touch them. Ever.

94. The popular third dimension was introduced in the ’80s, before which you’d simply shrink and move more slowly to convey distance.

95. You can probably fit another rocket launcher in your rucksack if you carefully rearrange those four ammo clips and that coke can.

96. If someone you don’t like is in a swimming pool, simply remove the steps to get out. Then they will be stuck and drown through exhaustion.

97. Frogs die in water.

98. You can gaze at a woman’s tits for hours on end without either of you becoming embarrassed. However, attempts to mount her from every side like a determined St. Bernard will always result in you bouncing off her textured hide.

99. If you win a really big fight, don’t relax until you’ve made sure there isn’t a much more powerful robot version of your late opponent lurking in a corner.

100. “Ninja” is the most common occupation on the planet, just above “Secret Agent” and “Alien in Disguise”.

101. Comprehensive military training can be acquired simply by climbing a rope, crouching and firing down a range a few times.

Nov 28, 2008


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