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10 reasons to hate every console


The most popular handheld on the market is also arguably the worst. It’s underpowered, flooded with mediocre games and increasingly marketed toward the all-important grandmother and little-girl demographics that Nintendo lusts after so fiercely. Still, if you like your games filled with ponies, puppies and babies, this may be the handheld for you.

Even its best graphics look outdated: Games like Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars and Final Fantasy IV have pushed 3D visuals to their limit on the DS, but they still look years behind some of the PSP’s most mediocre titles. And yet the PSP lags way behind the DS in sales worldwide. If you judge the worth of a system by its processing power, that totally defies conventional logic.


Above: Final Fantasy IV - looks good for DS, but no better than PSone
Below: God of War: Chains of Olympus on PSP


‘Best graphics’ don’t happen that often: Most DS developers seem content sticking with Super NES-level 2D graphics and occasional 3D effects that wouldn’t look out of place in a PSone game. When developers DO make the effort to push the system’s visual limits, the result is all too frequently a shoddy 3D abomination with clunky controls that wouldn’t have been fun in 1999. Just… just please, stop trying to make first-person shooters until you know how to make them right.


Above: Technically impressive, immensely boring

Friend codes: Hey, want to play online? Guess what you’ll need to exchange? The 16-digit Friend Codes that make online play so onerous on the Wii originated on the DS, partly in order to give the appearance of protecting children from roving online pedophiles. Once again, we learn that there’s nothing a concerned parent can’t ruin for everyone else.

Baby games for babies: The DS has pioneered the rise of what might be the worst genre ever: baby games. And we don’t just mean crappy games intended for toddlers – we mean shit like this:


Above: ENJOY ‘EXCITING’ NEW VIRTUAL PET

That’s just the tip of the awful iceberg, as the DS is almost as notorious as the Wii and PC for crappy shovelware. Endless virtual-pet sims aside, it seems like for every quality DS game, there are about a hundred crappy minigame collections, half-baked games based on Disney Channel properties and pricey adaptations of free Flash games that are somehow worse than the originals.

New versions every two years: The original DS was released in 2004, and as of this writing we’re weeks away from its third iteration. Consoles don’t do this. The PSP doesn’t go through complete overhauls every time an updated version comes out. But it’s been Nintendo’s M.O. since the company introduced the Game Boy Color, and each iteration of the Game Boy saw stopgap models released just a year or two before the next major upgrade.


Above: The DS circa 2004, 2006 and this April

The Color was one, and so was the GBA Micro. The DSi is suspiciously similar, what with its raft of little upgrades that don’t do much to improve the overall experience.  Admittedly, it’s a wickedly savvy business strategy, but how many times are we going to have to buy this thing before Nintendo’s satisfied?

One step forward, one step back: While we’re on the topic of the DSi, it’s worth noting that it removes an important feature in exchange for the ones it adds. The slot for Game Boy Advance games is gone, so forget about playing your old carts – or, for that matter, Guitar Hero or any other games that use the slot for hardware add-ons.

No MP3s: While we’re still on the topic, what the hell is up with the DSi’s music capabilities? The machine now has a slot for SD cards, which is great, and it can store and play music files, which is even better. But for some reason it only supports AAC files, meaning that anyone hoping to use it to play MP3s – like, you know, every other successful digital audio device ever – is S.O.L.

Advertising model: Remember back when Nintendo’s ads were all about showcasing new games and playing with power? Now they’re about celebrities sitting around on soft-focus couches and playing games that came out two years ago, like this bit starring Lisa Kudrow and Professor Layton:



Again, we know: Nintendo needs to appeal to its customer base, which is entirely made up of middle-aged women who like watching famous people react to sedate puzzle games. Or at least it will be, at this rate.

Nintendo abstains: As a game maker, Nintendo has almost single-handedly carried every console it’s made since the N64. With the DS, however, it’s mostly contented itself with making things like Nintendogs and Brain Age, while releases like New Super Mario Bros., Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass, Advance Wars: Days of Ruin and Metroid Prime: Hunters are few and far between. Meanwhile, third-party publishers have stepped in to dominate the system with their Castlevanias, Final Fantasies and Grand Theft Autos. As happy as we are that there’s no shortage of games we want to play on the thing, it’d be great if Nintendo combined its fat stacks of cash with the relatively low cost and difficulty of making DS games, and started cranking out awesome new games that… that didn’t involve Link driving a goddamn train.



DS versions of console games: Are almost always dreary sadsack cash-in crapfests that combine grainy 3D graphics with poorly thought-out touchscreen “innovations” that make them clunky at best, and damn near unplayable at worst.


Above: Bleah

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104 comments

  • aaron171 - April 25, 2011 1:38 p.m.

    i know this is article is over 2 years old, but some gamecube games ported to the wii weren't all that bad. Okami, Zelda: Twilight Princess, Resident Evil 4 (better on the wii IMO because of the aiming and added content), and last but not least, Metroid Prime trilogy
  • DARK_SIDE - January 5, 2010 5:36 p.m.

    hahaha great article GR! bring on the hate. haha snob!! the "incomprehensibly creepy"...couldn't...stop...laughing!! music lovers + DS = unhappy person(possible insanity). upgrade?...NNNNOOOOOO!!!! I think the analog nub is fine where it is though. haha mistyped "Ooops - that's not what was written in the image. You may be a robot. Try again"
  • kaneman - December 2, 2009 5:41 a.m.

    "Even the disappointing MotorStorm: Pacific Rift came straight from Sony." Im sorry gamesradar is usually spot on but motorstorm is one of the most fucking awesome racers ever, the graphics are awesome the tracks are awesome and diverse and u can play your own music so the above statement is complete and utter bullshit.
  • AuthorityFigure - November 23, 2009 10:27 a.m.

    Wii controls: "This shit isn’t putting you in the game – it’s taking you out of it like never before." I think GR better go back and read some of its own reviews!
  • BoneyardWolf - April 19, 2009 5:03 a.m.

    WTH is a GameCube? And are those gamepads? How the hell do u hold that thing?! It looks worse then the Xbox pads. Eww.. Thank God for PS's Dualshock.
  • samdamana - April 15, 2009 3:52 a.m.

    I CANZ PLEY CRYSIS ON DA MAX!!!!! YOU CANT YOU POOOOOOR NOOOOOOOBS!!!! HAHAHAHAH NO LIEF=NO CRYSIS (I jk)
  • TheAnswer - April 5, 2009 6:33 p.m.

    I agree with gamesradar a little because every system has its flaws like the 360 makes you pay unneccesary amounts of money for there stupid accessory if microsoft can payrockstar that much for an add on why cant they just come out with a system with ever ything built in like sony but on the other hand microsoft has a good selection of games which would b the only reason id get one Now sony in my opinion is my favorite.psn online is great and the online connection is great wifi or not and yes your internet connection does have a lot to do with your online connection asswipes. and even though downloading the updates for your games is kinda shitty lol ( im downloading an upgrade right now thats been going on for an hour) its not exactly required if u just want to play. And also if i hear another fucking complaint about there being to many assholes when u play online xbox live or psn fucking deal with it theres assholes every fucking where and no there not going anywhere no time soon
  • RedOutlive10 - April 4, 2009 11:11 p.m.

    I don't own a Wii but I feel bad for the ones who do. I would buy a Nintendo console mostly for the homemade awesome franchises such as Zelda, but there's no Wii Zelda game yet, just a GC port. While at it, the "casual" (I would classify them as crap because you can't tolerate a casual session of them) floods the game selling stands. Doh.
  • ppopopp - April 2, 2009 11:55 p.m.

    Well you guys keep doing it. I LOVE your top xx articles. Man...
  • TripleAD - April 1, 2009 7:11 p.m.

    The random crap you find on the Wii really makes my blood boil. Xbox 360 FTW
  • lxTylerxl - April 1, 2009 4:37 p.m.

    This article is total bull. The PS3is the best system ever made and for you to compair it to the Gamecube? That's just wrong and for all you little Bill Gates dick suckers the PSN is not one bit laggy I have a Xbox and a PS3 and I play online with both and i found that the PS3 actually is better than Xbox because you dont have people and their stupidity on PS3. And this last one goes out to GamesRadar SCREW YOU who cares if sony makes their own exclusives their Japanese they know what they are doing especially with those games you mentioned let me see here Halo series made by??? MICROSOFT Gears of War series?? MICROSOFT!!! And xbox charges for EVERYTHING even online which you shouldn't pay for because you already have to pay for internet PS3 PS3 PS3 PS3 PS3 PS3 is the best console ever and its so expensive because wi-fi and bluray is build in GamesRadar shove this whole article up you stupid little asses.
  • UsernameAlreadyInUse - April 1, 2009 2:37 a.m.

    lol this is the first thing i found when i looked up snob http://thewholegardenwillbow.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/snob.jpg
  • gmilf71 - April 1, 2009 1:23 a.m.

    by the way, upon reading some more of these comments, there are some major A-hole x-bots and ps-fanboys, and its really starting to piss me of. and psn is free for a reason. ITS CONECTIONS SUCK!!!!!!
  • villainstone - April 1, 2009 midnight

    "Windows Vista is an abomination" What a bias NOOB statement. Where did this guy crawl out of? I would like to get one serious viable reason Vista sucks. I will not say that it is the best OS, then again there is no best. With that statement he really blew his credibility out the windows.
  • drgnrbrn316 - March 31, 2009 2 p.m.

    @Cernunnos I'm not looking to get into an Xbox vs PS3 debate with you. Yes, it was good business to plunk down money to secure exclusive content, that wasn't my point. My point is that for all your talk of the customer coming first, R* essentially signed a deal that told the people who owned the ~5.5 million copies of PS3 GTA4 where they could stick their game, which ranks just short of half of the install base for the game. If it was about customers, they'd have created content that would see sales from 12 million gamers instead of taking a chunk of cash and flipping half those gamers off in the process. I realize its business first for any company, but that is a pretty blatant move that shows that Rockstar is willing to throw you under the bus if someone wants to pony up the cash.
  • Cernunnos - March 31, 2009 8:16 a.m.

    @drgnrbrn316: GTA IV is far better than san andreas, if only GTA IV had the hydra (or any other plane) it would be perfect. GTA IV coming to 360 WAS a fan-service. at that time, how many people owned ps3-s? and how many of those were likely to be GTA-fans? by making it multiplatform they made it accesible to more fans, much more fans. MS dont buy exclusives to screw sony or its fans over, but to ensure the 360 a good line-up. seing as the sales for the ps3 would have most likely been halved had it not been for MGS4, everyone can see the power of good exclusives. if anyone is evil, its sony. basically saying they want costumers to sell their kidney in order to afford a ps3, claiming it to be oh-so unique and then copying almost every aspect of the 360's functions with firmware updates. the customers are number 1, which is WHY rockstar favoured the 360, it has bigger install base, hence more GTA fans (and money, of course).
  • tjawesome - March 30, 2009 10:55 p.m.

    i totally agree about the umd movies, what were they thinking? it would make sense if it could be used in another machine or something.
  • darkside17 - March 30, 2009 9:05 p.m.

    I love the week of hate
  • GamesRadarMikelReparaz - March 30, 2009 8:51 p.m.

    @yonderTheGreat: The complaint isn't that the 360 should include built-in WiFi - it's that there's no reason for the WiFi adaptor to cost $100. Not when PC wireless cards cost around $15, and the Wii and DS manage to include WiFi and still be the cheapest systems on the market.
  • Sonneilon - March 30, 2009 8:33 p.m.

    It would seem to me that MS shelling out $$$ for exclusives makese sense. GR might hate it, but that needs to happen to separate the consoles. Isn't that how Sony got big with the PSX? By having games that was only for it and couldn't be played on the Sega DC? Sony needs to step up and have the 3rd parties get in on the act. Sure, Sony's got great games and all... I dunno, maybe it's a typ of business strategy. Rely on 3rd party or buy up 3rd parties to produce. Hmmmmm....

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