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10 reasons to hate every console


The Wii is roughly equivalent to one of those obscure bands that you love until they get all popular, at which point they suddenly change and sell out and you can’t ever stand to listen to them anymore.  Where once was the promise of a revolutionary new kind of videogame system, there is now only a gradually expanding mass of casual, grandma-oriented gaming that threatens to engulf everything we love.

It’s not about us anymore: For its longtime fans, Nintendo’s most successful strategy has also been its most horrifying. By downplaying the role of traditional “core” gamers and filling its ads with celebrities and oldsters, Nintendo has single-handedly transformed the landscape of the game industry, and it’s done so at the expense of the people who’ve supported it for years. No longer is it about Mario and Metroid; now the face of Nintendo is a beaming puppet playing a trumpet. Probably while standing on a balance board.


Above: Nintendo's bold vision of the future

Probably the biggest unintended side effect of Nintendo’s casualcore strategy is that there’s now…

Zero quality control: Ever wonder why so many of the Wii games choking retail shelves are horrible third-party shitfests that seem deliberately designed to trick you into confusing them with other, more tolerable games? That happens for two reasons: first, every shitheel sixth-rate publisher on Earth sees the Wii as a potential goldmine, with an underinformed customer base so large that trying to sell them crappy games is like asking a hundred strangers to sleep with you: sooner or later, one of them’s going to say yes. Second, Nintendo long ago ditched the quality-control restrictions that made its official seal actually mean something, and is now content to sit back and rake in licensing fees from Billy the Wizard, Ninjabread Man and innumerable crappy versions of formerly free-to-play Flash games. And this thing:


Above: YAY NINTENDO APPROVED OUR GAME FOR PUBLICATION

Of course, Nintendo’s own games are still almost uniformly good, but once you start nosing around third-party games, you’re swimming in open water. Which may also be why…

Good third-party games die: Much as we like to complain that the Wii has nothing to offer hardcore gamers, that’s not really the case. In fact, a handful of publishers have actually done their best to push the limits of “hardcore” on Wii, with awesome games like No More Heroes and Okami using the console’s bells and whistles to their fullest. These games all have something in common, however: they’ve all died, or are currently dying, horrible deaths at retail. And you may be part of the problem.


Above: Oh, Okami! Will there ever be an article we can't shoehorn you into?

If you’re among the seemingly endless numbers of people who bought a Wii and now complain that there’s nothing on it that interests you, do yourself and the industry a favor: dust it off and at least try Madworld, Deadly Creatures, No More Heroes or any of the honest-to-God innovative action games that came to Wii and were immediately ignored. Then again, if you do, you might just find yourself choking on the…

Last-gen graphics: We’d never think of ourselves as “graphics whores” - a phrase that, incidentally, we don’t see Nintendo loyalists lobbing around so much these days – but after nearly four years of 360/PS3-quality visuals, it’s getting harder and harder to look at a machine with slightly better-than-PS2 graphics and take it seriously. Talented developers have been able to squeeze some fantastic visuals out of the Wii’s last-gen hardware, but those games are rare.


Above: What a difference two years and a big step back in power make

And even when we see a game like Madworld, which looks uniquely amazing, we can’t look at it for long before wondering how much better it’d be in genuine HD.


Above: Seriously, just think of how this would look on the PS3 or 360

Controls are a whole new kind of pain in the ass: Good lord. Remember when everyone was all excited about the Wii’s motion controls and how they’d bring a new level of interactivity to videogames? Yeah, what the hell was wrong with us? What once seemed to hold limitless potential turned out to do little more than replace button-mashing with stick-waggling. And in the Wii’s more complex games, trying to memorize all the stupid motions required to do anything cool does little more than add a thick, gauzy layer of separation between you and the action onscreen. This shit isn’t putting you in the game – it’s taking you out of it like never before.

Wii Motion Plus: Speaking of shitty controls, remember when the Wii first came out, and the one phrase on everyone’s lips was “lightsaber fencing game?” And remember how we didn’t get one, ever? It wasn’t until E3 2008 that we learned the real reason for that: the Wii remote isn’t actually equipped to reflect 1:1 movement. That’s why you get the same result whether you’re swinging the Wii remote like a sword or just twitching it slightly – the system can’t always tell the difference. Turns out the Wii’s perceived promise was never really a promise at all, but here’s the good news: soon, you’ll be able to buy an add-on that adds the functionality you thought you were buying in the first place.

Also you’ll get a 1:1 kendo game with it, which doesn’t feature lightsabers at all. After seeing the Star Wars games that have come out for the Wii so far, though, are you sure another one is really what you want?

Friend codes: When you want to add someone as a friend on Xbox Live or PSN, it’s as simple as searching for their gamertag, sending them a request and adding them to your ever-growing list of online playmates. On the other hand, if you want to do the same thing on Wii, you’ll need to exchange your unique, 16-digit number with someone else who has a 16-digit number, manually enter it into your Wii using the remote and hope they don’t forget to do the same. Oh, and we should probably mention that each game assigns another unique friend code, which again, you’ll need to mutually exchange before you can meet up online.


Above: Just enter a whole bunch of ridiculous number strings and you too can do what other console gamers take for granted!

Christ, playing Doom on a dialup PC modem was easier than this.

Shaky online: Assuming you get all your friend codes exchanged and properly entered, there’s still no guarantee you and your new friend will have any luck meeting up online. We learned that the hard way the last time we tried to play Mario Kart in the office; despite being a few feet away from each other and all connected to the same network, some of our Wiis just couldn’t join up properly. Add in chronic lag problems and crappy online matchmaking, and you’ve got online play that’s years behind Xbox Live, PSN and the standard PC.

Loves to waste batteries: The PS3’s Sixaxis and DualShock 3 pads come standard with batteries that recharge whenever the controllers are plugged into the system. Microsoft sells a charge kit and rechargeable batteries for its wireless pads. Nintendo, meanwhile, throws you a pair of batteries and leaves the rest up to you. There are a number of third-party recharging options, of course, but charging docks take up space, and third-party electrical gear for videogames has had a long and storied history of accidentally catching on fire.


Above: Just one of many exciting options!

Meanwhile, Nintendo comes off looking like it doesn’t care about the wastefulness and expense of disposable batteries. Nice.

New Play Control series: We know, we know: Nintendo’s re-releasing ancient GameCube games so that people who never played them the first time will have a chance to experience them, and they’re adding Wii controls so that the experience won’t be jarring to grandmas who like playing with the remote. They’re not for us. But it nevertheless makes our blood boil that Nintendo would simply rehash ancient games and re-release them for $30. The fact that they still look state-of-the-art on the underpowered Wii only makes it worse.


Above: AGAIN!?

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104 comments

  • aaron171 - April 25, 2011 1:38 p.m.

    i know this is article is over 2 years old, but some gamecube games ported to the wii weren't all that bad. Okami, Zelda: Twilight Princess, Resident Evil 4 (better on the wii IMO because of the aiming and added content), and last but not least, Metroid Prime trilogy
  • DARK_SIDE - January 5, 2010 5:36 p.m.

    hahaha great article GR! bring on the hate. haha snob!! the "incomprehensibly creepy"...couldn't...stop...laughing!! music lovers + DS = unhappy person(possible insanity). upgrade?...NNNNOOOOOO!!!! I think the analog nub is fine where it is though. haha mistyped "Ooops - that's not what was written in the image. You may be a robot. Try again"
  • kaneman - December 2, 2009 5:41 a.m.

    "Even the disappointing MotorStorm: Pacific Rift came straight from Sony." Im sorry gamesradar is usually spot on but motorstorm is one of the most fucking awesome racers ever, the graphics are awesome the tracks are awesome and diverse and u can play your own music so the above statement is complete and utter bullshit.
  • AuthorityFigure - November 23, 2009 10:27 a.m.

    Wii controls: "This shit isn’t putting you in the game – it’s taking you out of it like never before." I think GR better go back and read some of its own reviews!
  • BoneyardWolf - April 19, 2009 5:03 a.m.

    WTH is a GameCube? And are those gamepads? How the hell do u hold that thing?! It looks worse then the Xbox pads. Eww.. Thank God for PS's Dualshock.
  • samdamana - April 15, 2009 3:52 a.m.

    I CANZ PLEY CRYSIS ON DA MAX!!!!! YOU CANT YOU POOOOOOR NOOOOOOOBS!!!! HAHAHAHAH NO LIEF=NO CRYSIS (I jk)
  • TheAnswer - April 5, 2009 6:33 p.m.

    I agree with gamesradar a little because every system has its flaws like the 360 makes you pay unneccesary amounts of money for there stupid accessory if microsoft can payrockstar that much for an add on why cant they just come out with a system with ever ything built in like sony but on the other hand microsoft has a good selection of games which would b the only reason id get one Now sony in my opinion is my favorite.psn online is great and the online connection is great wifi or not and yes your internet connection does have a lot to do with your online connection asswipes. and even though downloading the updates for your games is kinda shitty lol ( im downloading an upgrade right now thats been going on for an hour) its not exactly required if u just want to play. And also if i hear another fucking complaint about there being to many assholes when u play online xbox live or psn fucking deal with it theres assholes every fucking where and no there not going anywhere no time soon
  • RedOutlive10 - April 4, 2009 11:11 p.m.

    I don't own a Wii but I feel bad for the ones who do. I would buy a Nintendo console mostly for the homemade awesome franchises such as Zelda, but there's no Wii Zelda game yet, just a GC port. While at it, the "casual" (I would classify them as crap because you can't tolerate a casual session of them) floods the game selling stands. Doh.
  • ppopopp - April 2, 2009 11:55 p.m.

    Well you guys keep doing it. I LOVE your top xx articles. Man...
  • TripleAD - April 1, 2009 7:11 p.m.

    The random crap you find on the Wii really makes my blood boil. Xbox 360 FTW
  • lxTylerxl - April 1, 2009 4:37 p.m.

    This article is total bull. The PS3is the best system ever made and for you to compair it to the Gamecube? That's just wrong and for all you little Bill Gates dick suckers the PSN is not one bit laggy I have a Xbox and a PS3 and I play online with both and i found that the PS3 actually is better than Xbox because you dont have people and their stupidity on PS3. And this last one goes out to GamesRadar SCREW YOU who cares if sony makes their own exclusives their Japanese they know what they are doing especially with those games you mentioned let me see here Halo series made by??? MICROSOFT Gears of War series?? MICROSOFT!!! And xbox charges for EVERYTHING even online which you shouldn't pay for because you already have to pay for internet PS3 PS3 PS3 PS3 PS3 PS3 is the best console ever and its so expensive because wi-fi and bluray is build in GamesRadar shove this whole article up you stupid little asses.
  • UsernameAlreadyInUse - April 1, 2009 2:37 a.m.

    lol this is the first thing i found when i looked up snob http://thewholegardenwillbow.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/snob.jpg
  • gmilf71 - April 1, 2009 1:23 a.m.

    by the way, upon reading some more of these comments, there are some major A-hole x-bots and ps-fanboys, and its really starting to piss me of. and psn is free for a reason. ITS CONECTIONS SUCK!!!!!!
  • villainstone - April 1, 2009 midnight

    "Windows Vista is an abomination" What a bias NOOB statement. Where did this guy crawl out of? I would like to get one serious viable reason Vista sucks. I will not say that it is the best OS, then again there is no best. With that statement he really blew his credibility out the windows.
  • drgnrbrn316 - March 31, 2009 2 p.m.

    @Cernunnos I'm not looking to get into an Xbox vs PS3 debate with you. Yes, it was good business to plunk down money to secure exclusive content, that wasn't my point. My point is that for all your talk of the customer coming first, R* essentially signed a deal that told the people who owned the ~5.5 million copies of PS3 GTA4 where they could stick their game, which ranks just short of half of the install base for the game. If it was about customers, they'd have created content that would see sales from 12 million gamers instead of taking a chunk of cash and flipping half those gamers off in the process. I realize its business first for any company, but that is a pretty blatant move that shows that Rockstar is willing to throw you under the bus if someone wants to pony up the cash.
  • Cernunnos - March 31, 2009 8:16 a.m.

    @drgnrbrn316: GTA IV is far better than san andreas, if only GTA IV had the hydra (or any other plane) it would be perfect. GTA IV coming to 360 WAS a fan-service. at that time, how many people owned ps3-s? and how many of those were likely to be GTA-fans? by making it multiplatform they made it accesible to more fans, much more fans. MS dont buy exclusives to screw sony or its fans over, but to ensure the 360 a good line-up. seing as the sales for the ps3 would have most likely been halved had it not been for MGS4, everyone can see the power of good exclusives. if anyone is evil, its sony. basically saying they want costumers to sell their kidney in order to afford a ps3, claiming it to be oh-so unique and then copying almost every aspect of the 360's functions with firmware updates. the customers are number 1, which is WHY rockstar favoured the 360, it has bigger install base, hence more GTA fans (and money, of course).
  • tjawesome - March 30, 2009 10:55 p.m.

    i totally agree about the umd movies, what were they thinking? it would make sense if it could be used in another machine or something.
  • darkside17 - March 30, 2009 9:05 p.m.

    I love the week of hate
  • GamesRadarMikelReparaz - March 30, 2009 8:51 p.m.

    @yonderTheGreat: The complaint isn't that the 360 should include built-in WiFi - it's that there's no reason for the WiFi adaptor to cost $100. Not when PC wireless cards cost around $15, and the Wii and DS manage to include WiFi and still be the cheapest systems on the market.
  • Sonneilon - March 30, 2009 8:33 p.m.

    It would seem to me that MS shelling out $$$ for exclusives makese sense. GR might hate it, but that needs to happen to separate the consoles. Isn't that how Sony got big with the PSX? By having games that was only for it and couldn't be played on the Sega DC? Sony needs to step up and have the 3rd parties get in on the act. Sure, Sony's got great games and all... I dunno, maybe it's a typ of business strategy. Rely on 3rd party or buy up 3rd parties to produce. Hmmmmm....

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