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10 reasons the iPhone is a shitty game platform

BATTERY LIFE

Maybe it’s a good thing Apple’s average game can’t hold a player's attention for more than fifteen minutes. Not since we had to strap six AA batteries on the back of a Sega Nomad has a portable “console” devoured energy with the ferocity of the iPhone. It seems like using almost any app runs the battery down at an average rate of damn near 1% a minute.


Above: Unless you got pow-ah....

Throw in prolonged screen usage and Wi-Fi capabilities and you’ve got a recipe for the sleekest brick an Apple devotee could ever desire. While playing a game, my charge generally goes down almost 50% on a train ride to my local airport. Good thing it’s attached to my phone, clock and contacts!


THE APP STORE IS A NIGHTMARE

Above: Search filtration brought to you by people who’ve never played a game 

Apparently, Apple’s UI/design team hasn’t stopped drinking the champagne it uncorked back when people were willing to camp out for iPhones like they were Jonas Brothers tickets. Say what you will about the prevailing evil of GameStop, at least you don’t walk into their stores and have to sift through a single pile of games.


Above: Welcome to the analog App Store!

Wonder why most game sites don’t cover them in any official capacity? Usually press releases are the only way to tell anything exists underneath the rubble of “Top-Selling” Air Hockey and Skee-Ball games.


“DICE” IS A F***ING GENRE NOW?!

Nuff said.

Above: More expensive than actual dice! 


APPLE HATES TEH SEXY

Nevermind that signing an annual phone contract means you’re old enough to purchase porn, condoms, and a morally questionable plane ticket to Thailand, Apple is still desperately trying to filter the naughty in a manner that makes a pre-ESRB Nintendo look like full-time smut peddlers.

Above: 2 HOT 4 IPHONE, apparently 

Let’s ignore for a second that how Apple distinguishes between scandalous and suitable is hypocritical at best. If you’re going to try and maintain a tyrannical grasp on your platform by restricting the material desired by discerning adults (willing and able to pay upwards of $1,000 a year to a nationally reviled cell carrier), they’ll eventually leave you for a platform that will give them what they want. And perhaps more importantly:


Above: What of poor Tecmo? Tits and ass are their bread and butter


QUALITY CONTROL IS NONEXISTENT

Did you know iPhone has over 15,000 games? Wow! Did you know China has over a billion people? Man, that must be an awesome country! By Apple’s gaming standards, its OS is eligible for a Spike VGA. All you need is a bare minimum of interactivity and an arbitrary point scale and you’ve got yourself a killer iPhone app! To further showcase the severe imbalance between quantity and quality, we’ve broken down iPhone games into three subcategories:


Air Hockey


Above: You can’t put a cap on perfection! 

Consistently a Top Seller, Air Hockey’s undeniable appeal stretches from easily duped women over forty, all the way to amateur game developers too unimaginative to clone Pong. Speaking of which…


Beer Pong

 

Apparently, idiots and the App Store can never get enough Beer Pong. How is it better than Pong? Pong doesn’t contain an undrinkable beverage, stupid!


Garfield


Above: This game will not function on Mondays 

“Garfield” may as well be videogames’ term for “Jumping the Shark.” Owners of the GBA know full well that once this pathetic excuse for a cultural icon shows up on your platform... it’s all over. The moment Garfield appears on your platform more than once, all taste, dignity, and innovation have gone out the window, and he usually marks the point where a console goes from relevance to just another glowing doodad for toddlers to suck on.

The author would like to state that he is a proud owner of an iPhone and believes it to be a remarkable feat of technological engineering (although not necessarily for gaming). For any Apple fans who were butt hurt or offended, head on back here next week, once The Week of Hate is over, for a kickass apology.

Mar 25, 2010


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Topics

iPhone Mobile

32 comments

  • kaaos - March 29, 2010 3:32 p.m.

    or maybe even stuck in traffic
  • kaaos - March 29, 2010 3:31 p.m.

    i phone or ipod touch game apps are only cool for like 20 minutes,then it's just no fun.it's more like something to do while you wait in a doctor's office,on the subway,or when everyone's just hogging up the ps3 or the wii
  • dunc12 - March 29, 2010 4:49 a.m.

    wow, this is the most accurate article in the week of hate I've read so far
  • Silentcapt2 - March 29, 2010 2:14 a.m.

    iPhone games are horrible. You know it's bad when you have to make sure the game is actually playable.
  • oryandymackie - March 27, 2010 2:57 p.m.

    BURN BURN BURN BURN BURN BURN BURN BURN.
  • may.be.vital - March 27, 2010 4:53 a.m.

    I must agree with this article because it is all fact!
  • Hobojedi - March 27, 2010 4:17 a.m.

    I really do hate having to charge the thing twice a day.
  • Patius - March 26, 2010 11:09 p.m.

    I must say, the Droid and the Android OS are all around better than the apple OS. For one, Google doesn't like violating antitrust laws.
  • sleepy92ismypsn - March 26, 2010 10:05 p.m.

    i want an iphone but i dont have a job yet. im pretty sure you dont have to be 18 to sign a phone contract or buy condoms what are they gonna do let you get a girl prego and get the herps.
  • Xeacons - March 26, 2010 5:20 p.m.

    AMEN! I just got an iPod, and after trying to play a 5-star rated (everyone said they loved it) FPS for, yes, over an hour, I couldn't take it! Why? How did everyone love this? Buggy controls, fingerprints (clean screens make your thumbs stick, no pun intended), and an "if it breaths, kill it" plot. Reminds me why I love my DS.
  • crumbdunky - March 26, 2010 4:33 p.m.

    Agree more with this article than ANYTHING I've read in the past year! I DETEST my iPhone and as my old mum nearly killed herself in getting me one(she had to collect tokens and get people to take free trials with a website!)I REALLY wanted, and tried to, like the damn thing. Having your fingers and thumbs fill half the screen on any half demanding game is pants and 99.99999% of all the apps are overpriced or plain shit. Don't get me started on the friggin App store either! I also think the shame of picking up an obviously pathetic and embarrassing game in person and in the game store helped keep down sales of crappy games but the App store, like all online stores for downloads allows these shame filled purchases to pollute gaming at will! Honestly, the level of gaming on the iPhone is terrible and those crappy controls make even the decent games appalling travesties of what they should and could have been. IF it's indicative of what App,kle would bring to gaming wre they to enter it more seriously then I think we should be VERY afraid. Face it , the worst(opf the decent)MP3 players I've ever owned in terms of sound quality were always bloody iPods-Apple can manage to sell some pretty low quality stuff based on it's design alone and form over funstion will KILL decent gaming faster than anything else I can imagine. I'm talking as someone who actually used to love my Mac when I owned one as the convenience was great but once you realise just how badly they rip you off in money for tech terms it gets really insulting really fast. I've never owned a more soulless bit of electronics than the iPhone. these days it always stays home while I prefer to carry my Sammy phone/MP3/MP4 phone as it's better at what it does and either a PSP OR a DSi because they're BOTH a million times better for gaming. Had the iPhone even done ONE task as well as or better than the less varied but more specialised gadgets manage I would be tempted to still use it for convenience but the fact is carrying more is still MORE of a convenience while the quality of apps, phone and player on the IPhone is lacking. To me the only , really impressive thing about the damn thing is that they managed to make it so sought after and such a big seller when it's basically just a bit pants. They sell the iPad in any great number(ostensibly for those people for whom a laptop or netbook is just begging to have it's best feature removed-i.e a fully functioning effin keyboard!)and I'll REALLY start worrying. YHate the iPhone. I truly never felt anything was such a rip off for it's customers.
  • philipshaw - March 26, 2010 1:51 p.m.

    Great article, have to agree with everything in it
  • Hurricrane - March 26, 2010 11:20 a.m.

    lol, why do you guys have 2 copies of Transformers? is it for the Convert button?
  • kdombaz - March 26, 2010 9:36 a.m.

    Over-hyped overpriced kit for people who like to belong to a fan-boys club. I would buy it if I thought it did something that my existing cell phone couldn't do. it doesn't so no need to pay inflated prices to a protectionist company.
  • phoenix_wings - March 26, 2010 6:07 a.m.

    I had an iPhone for less than a year. Traded it in because it was awful for anything other than browsing the web, even if it was jailbroken. The thing dropped calls where my Blackberry still has signal and sounds clear. When you fail at the key thing that the phone is supposed to do, all else sort of fails with it. I never played a game on the device that lasted longer than five minutes, the quality control just blows. And the best part? If you purchase said game, and suddenly Apple finds it in violation of one of their key principles (i.e.: it's offensive, violent, etc, etc, etc) they'll pull the app, and the next time you update your device it could be lost. Apology not necessary :P
  • CH3BURASHKA - March 26, 2010 5:41 a.m.

    Why the hell is there an apology at the end of this? This is the fuggin' Week of Hate! Hate with a passion!
  • DarkTone - March 26, 2010 3:15 a.m.

    As an Iphone user this article had me stand out in the rain for 15 minutes............
  • TommyG - March 26, 2010 2:46 a.m.

    Lol, classic hate! Loved every below-the-belt word =)
  • number1hitjam - March 26, 2010 2:34 a.m.

    actually have to agree with a lot of this
  • understudybass - March 26, 2010 2:02 a.m.

    Sir Christopher your articles are always quite amazing and this is no exception!

Showing 1-20 of 32 comments

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