The fine folk at Cracked.com threw down the gauntlet to their followers to create the worst prequel ideas.
Since Lara Croft is
going to get her origin story, we thought we’d look at some even worse ideas…
Danny Boyle returns to the franchise he created, artfully building a story about a nurse who falls for a naked bloke in a bed only for her – and most of the rest of England to go BATS***T RAGE VIRUS CRAZY NUTS.
The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button
A Fincher-free follow-up that sees what Pitt’s Benjamin got up to in the womb. Not much, as it happens. Because he was a tiny, wrinkly foetus. It still costs 700 squillion dollars to make.
In which Uma Thurman’s Beatrix Kiddo gets star struck around David Carradine’s Bill for no reason at all. It’s the romantic comedy sensation of the year! With some martial arts so blokes aren’t bored! Quentin Tarantino buys a grave to spin in.
The wacky, likeable adventures of Alex Murphy as he goes on traffic patrol and annoys everyone with his incessant gun twirling so he can impress his vapid, dribbling idiot spawn.
Crazed scientists recreate a world before the dinosaurs happened along. Cower in terror as someone… slips on a squirming creature and… slightly hurts themselves.
The Dark Knight
Just what was Heath Ledger’s Joker on about with his tall tales of fatherly abuse and misspent youth? Now Warners, desperate to wring every last penny from Batman, wants to tell you!
Sleepless In Seattle
Tom Hanks. Asleep. Two Hours. Wait in breathless anticipation for the shocking twist at 75 mins, where he twitches and snorts! Nora Ephron’s best work since… Nora Ephron’s best work, actually.
Star Wars: Episode One – The Phantom Menace
Because George Lucas wants us to suffer for all the nasty things we’ve said about the character through the years. Oh, and because kids like him and kids = money.
The Sixth Sense
Even Dead Bruce Willis* couldn’t have helped with this one. Hayley Joel Osment books the gig and uses make-up to try and look younger. Why? He really needs the work. Rated PG-13 for scenes of horror and some finger-stroking.
The Evil Dead
Ted Raimi forces Bruce Campbell to play his younger self in a bid to silence everyone calling for a new Evil Dead film. No evil, and nothing dead except for poor Ash’s soul as he checks the price on S-Mart brand widgets.
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