10 movie tie-ins that nobody wanted

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Perhaps publisher Wizard should have been applauded for trying to buck-the-trend in 1982 when it decided to release the adult-targeted pile of blocks known as Texas Chainsaw Massacre for the Atari 2600. But, honestly, what kind of sick-minded psychopath would come away from watching Tobe Hooper's disturbing slice of family life in Dixie with a twisted desire to take on the role of Leatherface in a game? We don't know, but we'd check their wardrobe for skin-suits before accepting any dinner invitations.

Seven Samurai 20XX

Film students, movie buffs and Japanophiles love stroking themselves over Akira Kurosawa's 1954 epic. But just because a film is cherished by many and widely regarded as one of the most influential pictures in cinema history doesn't mean turning it into a game is a good idea. In fact, it's a horrible idea. Absolutely nothing precious can come from fiddling with the classics. Rear Window, The Third Man, On The Waterfront... all immense movies. Would we want to play game versions? Don't be silly.

Reservoir Dogs

That silly old Quentin Tarantino - he left out lots of bits from his film. Who makes a movie about a heist and then forgets to put in the heist? What an airhead! Thankfully, 14 years after the film, Eidos decided to do fill in those annoying storyline blanks with a brilliantly mediocre third-person shooter. It really was exactly what all Reservoir Dogs fans had been waiting for. And we're sure lovers of Pulp Fiction are at this very moment waiting for a game that reveals what Marcellus Wallace's pipe-hitting friends actually did with that pair of pliers to naughty old Zed.

The Wizard of Oz

Seriously. How many SNES gamers in 1993 would be more interested in Dorothy than Mario? It does not compute. In principle we suppose it has all the makings of a great RPG - a protagonist far from home travels with a party of oddballs across a strange magical land inhabited by flying monkeys and ruled over by an evil entity. But it wasn't an RPG, it was a rubbish platformer and expecting any Nintendo kid to give a shit was optimism in the extreme. Oh, and look, this just in: Wizard of Oz RPG? Turns out someone's making it for DS.

Napoleon Dynamite

Even if you wore your 'Vote for Pedro' tee with pride, chances are you never played this remedial DS and PSP tie-in. So you might be a bit fuzzy trying to recall all those 'ideal for gaming' moments from the film. Remember when Napoleon feeds the llama, works in the battery-hen house and - gosh - plays tetherball? Yes, all of these and many more mentally-deficient activities were inexplicably transferred for handheld mini-game 'enjoyment'.

July 22, 2009

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