10 game ads that are horribly up their own ass

The one with all the melodramatic music

Pompously promoting: Prince of Persia


We’re not saying we hate the vaguely artistic, melodramatic angle Ubisoft has gone for here, but it still creates somewhat of an artificial picture of the game. Sure, it might have worked if they’d kept the Prince as the same foppish softie from Sands of Time. Sadly, they had to give him some ‘cred’, turning our sensitive, well-mannered Arabian aristocrat into a bumbling jock douche.

How it should have been advertised

Considering the game’s developer was already pandering to casual gamers by making it almost impossible to die, we suggest that’s the angle Ubisoft should have been bigging up. Rather than going for the tiresome inoffensive melodies of a fresh-voiced lady, it should have cut straight to the point and appealed to every money man’s dearest friend, Mr. Lowest Common Denominator.

The one with the magic, floating crow eggs

Pompously promoting: PS3 SixAxis support


We were tempted to file this one under ‘too weird to have its chin lodged inside its colon’, but it is trying to make a statement about PS3, and a false one at that. Contrary to what the ad would like you to believe about its miraculous, crow-hatching powers, we all know SixAxis is properly pump. A gimmicky afterthought in the majority of games, this ad going all high and mighty and promising the second coming of pads is pure pretentious pap.

How it should have been advertised

Well, we’d suggest Sony shouldn’t have been banging on about PS3’s most ill-advised feature in the first place. But, if it really felt it needed to brag, then perhaps it should have shown the motion control’s practical application in a – and this is going to sound like a mentalist’s ramblings – video game. You know, like that awesome one about the flying dragons? Oh. Well, how about a prophetic ad that foretold Hideo Kojima allowing you to shake a woman’s chestiest parts with the controller?

The one that wants you to believe

Pompously promoting: Halo 3


OK, we’ll admit to having a bit of a soft spot for the ‘Believe’ advert and all its sweeping camera pans and melancholy music. Slight chink in our cynical, critical armour or not, though, this is still the Halo 3 advertising juggernaut in full ‘up the chief’s supremely sculpted ass cheeks’ mode. And honestly, what are we supposed to be believing again? That we should hand over a wad of cash for something that’s far less epic than an advert starring a bunch of action figures?

How it should have been advertised

Leave the toys in the pristinely-wrapped packaging, ditch the diorama and just stop taking things so damn seriously. This ain’t Vietnam or Iraq. This is a video game about a main in a space suit shooting (mostly) tiny aliens that look like they auditioned for a part in Return of the Jedi before losing out to a bunch of Ewoks. Next time, just give us some big ass explosions, alright?

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  • GMAN2 - October 9, 2009 1:38 a.m.

    I wish the Halo levels actually looked like how they advertised them.
  • sweetpotatofry - October 8, 2009 7:43 a.m.

    The Halo and Gears of War commercials convey more emotion than the actual games do. That's a bit of a problem
  • DBQRX - October 7, 2009 6:52 a.m.

    One of my fav games
  • Amnesiac - October 7, 2009 6:11 a.m.

    Every time I saw that Assassin's Creed advert all I could think was "hey, House is coming on." But yeah, as mediocre as I found this article, it's hilarious how seriously some people are taking it.
  • Cernunnos - October 5, 2009 11:21 a.m.

    either way you look at it, Halo's ads are quality. nor would i call them "pompous" as they arent even really advertising the games. the assassin's creed one is horrible too, making such a shitty game look so good should be illegal.
  • Moschetto - October 5, 2009 11 a.m.

    I for one know you guys aren't serious with these articles most of the time, so no flame. But please don't talk shit about the Halo ads. Those ads are good. They just didn't depict the actual games accurately.
  • Everest Man - October 4, 2009 10:46 p.m.

    Actually I liked the Lynch ad as well, it was the sixaxis one that i didn't care for, not because it wasn't cool, it was a neat ad, i just think sixaxis is a gimmick.
  • Everest Man - October 4, 2009 10:44 p.m.

    So let me get this straight, any ad that doesn't pander to the lowest common denominator is pompous? Aside from the Sony ads and the NiGHTS ad I am a big fan of all of these "pretentious" ads. Granted the Gears ads and yeah the Halo ads are completely misleading, they are still excellent commercials in their own right. I don't even like Halo, but I love the ads. The diorama believe ad got me to start playing piano again because of how beautiful the song Raindrop by Chopin is. The fact is, these ads have elicited a reaction in all of us, whether you love them or hate them, and isn't that what all good advertising is supposed to do, affect us in some way?
  • thochaos - October 4, 2009 2:41 a.m.

    I really like the Gears of War ad, not so much the second one though.
  • Collymilad - October 3, 2009 1:59 p.m.

    "Here's one for you: I think this article is horribly up its own ass. In agreement with Daedazrael, all your "how it should have been" comments are basically the premise for a number of powerthirst commercials. Fail." Claps
  • gmilf71 - October 3, 2009 6:50 a.m.

    Oh GR. You guys are always so harsh and arrogant. But it's all good cuz you have the reputation to be.
  • FETALJUICE - October 3, 2009 5:40 a.m.

    I enjoyed this article so much. It made me laugh hard, ESPECIALLY with GR's straightforward ads of Gears of War and the PS2 ad. LOL!!
  • Cwf2008 - October 3, 2009 5:21 a.m.

    All right dumbasses read this: IT WAS A FUCKING JOKE. Quit getting your panties in a knot, this artical is a joke. Im sure they liked the commercials...hell no one likes commercials never mind. The point is it doesnt matter how well made they were they are just poking fun at them. And you guys bashing the article should get the pole out of your ass
  • redmight - October 3, 2009 2:46 a.m.

    Most of these commercials are full of themselves especially the halo ones but you gotta admit the gears of war 2 was good, come on just hear the lyrics in the song and you'll know what i mean (you know what you got to do, they all depend on you,you know how this will end)
  • Yeager1122 - October 2, 2009 11:19 p.m.

    I liked the gears of war ads....
  • farsided - October 2, 2009 10:55 p.m.

    @fishosaurus: perhaps people who throw around the word "pretentious" and don't know how to knock an article are a bunch of cockmonglers, who are most likely younger (come on, only highschool AP-English students use the word pretentious to make up for the fact that they didn't read) than the people that call bullshit when they see it. This article wasn't even making an attempt at irony. It just sucked.
  • lovinmyps3 - October 2, 2009 8:41 p.m.

    I liked the Gears and Halo commercials, especially ODST! I do agree they got their heads up their ass though.
  • fishosaurus - October 2, 2009 5:28 p.m.

    Another excellent amusing piece GR - cheers. Although those getting all snotty about this article are either being cleverly ironic or, more likely, are just as pretentious as the ads (perhaps they are the 'foul-mouth American teen squeakers' referenced in the Consolvania Halo 3 ad)!
  • d0x - October 2, 2009 5:22 p.m.

    I liked most of these ads. They were something different and some had nice production value. I dont see any problem with an ad changing the tone of the game like Gears of War or Assassins Creed. Sometimes being different is a good thing and im pretty damn sure if we looked back through past articles we would find praise for alot of these ads on this site not only from the editors but from the users as well.
  • Shaken - October 2, 2009 4:44 p.m.

    Anyone who busts about the Halo story should just shut the fuck up. Their o such thing as 'original' anymore you jackasses. SO what if part of the Halo story is taken from the book 'Ringworld,' that just says that the writers really like the book and wanted to make it a part of their own story. If you want to bust on stories why not Japanese games that rehash the same crap over and over again. It's like, how the hell can teenagers, who realistically at that age would rather hangout with their friends get closer to that hot chick/guy that he/she likes save the world. Teens are stupid and the can't save crap. Not to mention that their all too angsty to actually do something.

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