10 Alternative Oscar categories

1. Biggest Pop Cultural Impact
It’ll be a close run thing with Juno’s whip-smart dialogue, but we reckon the biggest meme out there right now is There Will Be Blood’s “Milkshake!” rant. How many times did lines from Citizen Kane get set to a Kellis song? None. That’s how many. Altogether now: “Draaaaaainage!”

2. The Harvey Weinstein Award for Best Marketing
There was a time when Harv was the king of the Oscar marketing campaign. Things have changed recently, but the award season remains hugely cutthroat. And while Focus Features’ use of a dripping wet Keira Knightley certainly caught the judges’ attention, we’re going to give it Juno’s mini bedroom sets that have toured malls in the States. 

3. Best Speech
This one would have to be awarded after the evening had happened (since the Best Picture/Director gongs are usually awarded last, and who wants to keep their recipients from the chance of winning?) But it might give the creative types who snatch awards something to aim for – if you can’t be as spontaneous as Adrien Brody (snogging Halle Berry after he won) or as down-to-Earth as Louise Fletcher (signing part of her speech to her deaf parents), you need to learn how.

4. Best Blockbuster
Sure, we have the MTV Awards. But they’re not the Oscars. And wouldn’t you like to see a vote for the big movies that actually make money? We’d pay good money to see an academy screening of Transformers (aside from the VFX heads who watch that sort of thing anyway). And then imagine the fun of cutting to stuffy voting members trying to applaud something they probably only know about because their teenaged nephew texted them to say it was “FTW”. Our vote for this in the last year? The Bourne Ultimatum. FTW, natch.

5. Best Online Video
Yes, yes, we know what you’re thinking: “isn’t this just pandering to, you know, “The Kidz”? Our reply: perhaps, but it would certainly make the ceremony a little more fun. And if the US electoral debates of all events can embrace the things, then why can’t the Oscars, which are supposedly a celebration of creativity? Dramatic Chipmunk for Oscar glory? Could have happened.

6. Best Product Placement
Surrendering to the obvious, we thought we’d beat the rush before someone actually manages to get this official at the actual ceremony. But we want to make it clear: it has to be a good use of product. Inventive, funny, whatever. Mike Myers used to do it well, Bond is shameless and Richard Branson would probably win the first one. Brought to you by Google.

7. Best Comedy
We really would like to see this, as some of the best films of the year get overlooked because they also happen to feature lots of jokes about ladies’ nether parts or marijuana. That said, with “competition” from the Farrelly Bros and those annoying blokes who keep pumping out the likes of Epic Movie and Meet The Spartans, this might have to simply be called the Judd Apatow award. Still, there’s always Hot Fuzz…

8. Best Beast
We don’t mean as in monster, since the VFX award covers the likes of Cloverfield’s critter and the Pirates’ sea-going horrors. No, we mean your average, every day animals that sometimes outshine their human counterparts. The swan in Hot Fuzz put in some good work, but we’re giving it to Sam, Will Smith’s loyal pooch in I Am Legend.

9. Best Overall Stunt Performance
Actually, this one is real – or at least, it should be. Stuntmen and women have been arguing for years that they deserve their own category, and if costume design and VFX get a gong, why not the noble band who throw themselves out of windows and drive cars into helicopters? The Taurus Awards are nice and all, but Oscar should really come calling. We’re voting for the Casino Royale team.

10. Best Best Boy
Because… (That’s it. You’re finished! – Ed)

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